Showing posts with label inspiration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inspiration. Show all posts

January 29, 2023

peace within

The world
swirls
around us
pulling the pieces—
the people—
of our hearts
in and out
of hospitals
of rages
of depression,confusion,anxiety
It pulls, it spins—
WE spin.
Until 
we realize 
Peace
is in a place
the world’s pull
can
not
reach.
For Peace
is at our center,
Peace is within.
-Laura


Yesterday we took our kids to walk around Veterans Oasis park. 

I often feel like a thief who has to steal these precious moments. 


Walking in the sunshine, spotting birds and rabbits, breathing the fresh air, and noticing the beauty of all the different plants and trees brings me all the joy. 


We took Millie and she did mostly good about not barking when we passed other dogs and families.

We took Perry and he was worried we were going to walk forever or still be walking in the dark. We helped him through that and ultimately the walk did come to an end and we did make it to the car before it got dark.

We took Layla and she loved using the binoculars and spotting the birds with her dad. 

We took Brinna and she skipped along happily until she reached her max and so I got to carry her alternating between my arms and my back.


We stopped at DQ for dinner because Kacin was working. He refused any pictures, but we loved having a few minutes together. He is such a hard worker!

After a hard night of settling Perry in at home, I sat in my chair to breathe. Grateful for the beauty of the world and the moments of peace I find throughout the day. And grateful I can keep finding those moments within myself and my breath, even amidst chaos and struggle.

October 2, 2022

feeling it all and finding rest


It has been such an emotional week. All I want to do/need to do is curl up in my bed for 24 hours with the hope that with some rest my emotions will settle down.

Sometimes feeling everything so deeply is a beautiful blessing. The joy! The fun! The wonder! The adventure! The connection!

And sometimes it leaves me utterly exhausted.  

I took my girls to Disneyland at the beginning of this week. Just me and my girls. When I was there, I remembered that Disneyland reminds me of my mom. Of my family. My grief washed over me numerous times as I rode certain rides or walked by certain places. So much has changed in my Allen family since those years of Disney vacations. My heart feels so happy that we made so many wonderful memories growing up, but also so sad and achy for the ways things have changed. 

I miss my mom so intensely. And I am so sad about the way she died. It breaks my heart. And it lights a fire under me to be there for my own kids. My kids need a mom. I need a mom. The world needs moms.

We made the really hard decision to put our foster care license on hold. It was so emotional to sign that paper. It doesn't mean closed forever but even closed for now breaks my heart.

I've been sorting through childhood trauma and acknowledging my feelings and pain. I am choosing deliberately the boundaries I want to set in place and the ways in which I want to show up. It's a complicated process. I try not to blame other people and acknowledge they must be doing their best. My pain and my hurt is mine to carry, to work through, and to release. I am trying to turn anger, frustration, and hurt into acceptance, compassion, and peace in Christ.

Perry's behaviors have been extremely difficult. Eric has started traveling again. Being at home without someone to tag team feels impossible. Perry is too heavy for me to remove when he is verbally and physically aggressive towards us. It is hard emotionally to have someone scream and call you and your other children names on a regular basis, especially for things that are unreasonable. The physical aggressiveness is scary for all of us, too. It is exhausting to continually show up with all the patience, assertiveness, and unconditional love. All the time. That's why we continually schedule fun things, self care, breaks, date nights, and vacations. It is how we survive. But it's harder to do when one of us travels.

We met as a book club at my house after reading "Just Mercy." Such a powerful book! It changed me and fills me with greater compassion and a will to do more to help others.

I watched Dear Evan Hansen with a friend one night this week. The tears flowed down both of our cheeks. I feel that movie from every single angle. I'm so grateful for a friend right now who also feels it completely and could analyze all the things with me--anxiety, depression, loneliness, trauma, mistakes, parenting, suicide.

I had my injection on Friday. The girl who gave it was covering for the nurse who was out on vacation. And she totally did it wrong and injected my stomach muscle and I've been in so much ab pain since then. Which increases my medical anxiety.

I ran the Mud Girl with Layla and a friend and her daughter. So glad to yet again complete a race that supports women, breast cancer, and gives us the opportunity to do hard things together. But it triggers memories of cancer, of frustration that my body can't do all the things I want it to do without pain, and other past experiences.

With all of these feelings flowing through me this week, I was ready for general conference weekend. The first talk I listened to on saturday afternoon was exactly one of the things that had been weighing heavily on me this weekend. This conference has been talk after talk that my soul needed.

The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is not perfect--I have been personally hurt and confused by local leaders before. I have seen much fake/hypocritical behavior. I know pieces of the history of the church are confusing and hurtful. But at its core, which we hear at conference and read in the scriptures, it is the most true thing I have ever seen. It is a church that believes in repentance and change--in our personal lives and collectively. It is a church of growth. It is a church that always points me to Christ--not to a man. It is a place to find peace and strength. No matter where I go, I know I will always have the fellowship of a church family. It is a church that strives to live principles and virtues of a good, fulfilling life. It helps me recognize God and miracles in my life. It teaches me who I am and my purpose in my life. 

With all my big feelings and challenges in life, I NEED the CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS. I don't just casually want a church. I NEED a church that helps me draw close to Christ and the peace only He has brought into my life. I need the organization that supports me and my family throughout my life. I need this place where I can remember to have hope and find answers to all of my feelings, questions, and problems. 

I feel like I have felt it all this week. But now, I remember, I can hand it all over to the Lord for awhile and find some rest. True rest. The kind of rest that just might be better ad more realistic than the 24 hour nap I was dreaming of.  

November 30, 2021

answered prayers


It changes so quickly with Perry. He had been doing so well all afternoon. We had such a nice time at a friends Christmas lighting party. He filled his plate up with mints. Overflowing mints. He was so excited about it that it was difficult to be upset at him over it. He was happy and content. 

Until he wasn't. 

We never know if it is triggered by a sensory overload, anxiety, attention seeking, trauma influenced, control seeking, a combination of all of those, or something else entirely. There is no consistent pattern or way to completely predict.

Saturday night he lost control. Big time. He was aggressive and manic. He was verbally threatening, screaming, and hitting me. We had him in his room as he preceded to throw and toss anything he could get his hands on. I'd walk out of the room and come back in to check him. There wasn't anything I could say or do. He just wasn't calming down. He went Hulk.

Standing outside your child's door listening to them scream uncontrollably for long periods of time has to be one of the hardest things to experience as a parent. I felt helpless, frustrated, exhausted, bewildered, and depleted. In various degrees, this is a daily occurrence. I've learned to disassociate it from it for the most part. But that is not always possible or easy to do. My patience was growing thin that night and I felt close to my own helpless meltdown. 

I stood in the dark hallway with one hand on the door knob of Perry's room. I lifted my head up and pleaded with Heavenly Father for his help. I was maybe challenging His decision to allow me to be a mother and questioning Him about how in the heck I was supposed to keep doing THIS day after day. I told Him I needed help. I'm not sure how much faith I had, but I had total sincerity in my pleading.

I said Amen and opened the door not knowing what else I should do. I stepped in. I knew my job was to be the calm. To be the safety. To teach him to regulate himself. 

He was ripping his sheets off and speaking all sorts of angry things at me. The thought came to my mind to pull out his Harry Potter picture book and read to him. I brushed the thought aside and tried to talk to him and think of what else I could say to deescalate him. I had the thought again to suggest reading Harry Potter together. I decided it wouldn't hurt to ask him if he wanted me to read to him on his bed. 

I do not know why this was the thing that worked that night, but it did.

I haven't tried to read him those books in over a year. I don't ever think about them. I didn't know if they were on his shelf or where they even were in his closet. 

I don't know why I had that thought to read to him. Except that God answered my prayer. He inspired me with the idea that was the thing that Perry would respond to that night. He heard me. He knew Perry. He helped us.

And so Perry helped me put his sheet back on his bed and replace the pillows and blankets. He snuggled close to me and I read the first few pages of Harry Potter (until he requested that audible take over for me). 

Now every night we look forward to reading a few pages together. We lay side by side in his bed and he talks about his day and begs me to stay longer when it's time for me to get up (of course I stay a few minutes more).

I know this Harry Potter thing isn't a long term solution to the challenges of autism or anything, but it was a reminder to me that all I need to do is ask God and He will help me. He can help me in the "small" things of life. He is there. I felt noticed and cared for. I felt empowered. As I put forth effort, He will be the difference. He knows more than me and loves more perfectly than me so maybe I should keep trusting and turning to Him. 

(pictures from Spring lifestyle photos taken by my friend, not from saturday night)











August 3, 2021

run into the storm

~July 14~

I woke up at 5am and my brain wouldn't turn off so I knew I needed to get up and take advantage of the time and go to the mountains.

I started my car and started driving through my neighborhood. The radio came on, but it wasn't music playing--it was the eery beeping of an emergency alert for flash flooding in Maricopa county.

Maricopa county is huge. I could see storm clouds in the north, but certainly I would be fine in the south! 

The thought crossed my mind that this was a lot like a hollywood movie--the girl gets in the car and the emergency alert goes off and you know the name of the movie is "thunderstorm" so you are rolling your eyes at her dumb decision to ignore the warning and yelling at her just to turn around and go home for goodness sake. 

Like the girl in those movies, I did not go back home like I should have. Whether it was over confidence, desperation to exercise, a sense of adventure calling to me, or just foolishness, I drove on to the Santans.

I parked next to just a handful of cars and started on the trail. Was it another warning that the usually packed parking lot was so empty?

Yes, yes it was.

I climbed to the top quickly, just in case a storm was actually on the way. I enjoyed the peace of the empty trails. Sure there were a few others I could see in the distance on their bikes of hiking, but we never crossed each other.

At the summit, I debated whether to turn around and go straight back down or continue down and around the loop. I saw another hiker on her way down the loop, too, so I guess that made me feel more comfortable that I wasn't the only one on the mountain. I chose to carry on.

As I was nearing the bottom of the far side of the mountain, the wind picked up. I looked at my phone to see that Eric sent me a text message telling me how hard it was raining at home and checking on me. The wind blew even harder and the dust started to swirl and I could see dark clouds and dust heading my way at a quick speed.

At the bottom of the mountain, I looked to the trail to the left. The sun was shining that way. I could see blue sky and puffy white clouds. I looked to the trail to the right. The giant dome of dust was rolling in, the sky was dark, and a flash of lightning lit the sky in the distance. To go left meant walking towards the calm and the main parking lot which is farther from home but where I could call and have Eric pick me up. But the storm is also heading that way...wouldn't I then be running with the storm? To go right meant facing the storm head on and whatever elements and dangers that would come with that but getting back to my car in the shortest time. The left was inviting and tempting. The right was bleak and frightening.

I went right. 

Don't you know by now? I am nothing but a fighter and and adventurer. I don't run away. I face everything head on. The only way to get away from the storm is to go through the storm.

Pictures don't do this storm justice. The wind was fierce and the rain was pummeling me and stinging my skin. I was drenched within a a minute.

And then there was the thing with the lightening. The desert in the middle of a lightening storm is not the place you want to be. There is no cover, no shelter.

I prayed the hardest, most sincere prayer and then ran the trail with all my might. 


The only problem being I am in the worst shape that I have been in since cancer. Running was hard. And a muddy trail with flowing water was difficult to traverse.


The worst of the storm passed and while the rain still came down, the wind didn't blow as hard. I took my phone out of my soaked pocket to try to capture the adventure.



Hiking in the rain didn't seem too bad at moments. It's warm rain in Arizona so it actually felt refreshing. However, as soon as I would settle into thoughts of enjoyment and start to relax. I would see another flash of lightening. So I'd start running again. Thank goodness the lightening was constant though!



It was such a happy sight to make it to the last turn in the trail that would lead me to my car.



After 45 min. in the storm, I was safe, albeit drenched, in my car.


I said a prayer of thanksgiving to have made it out of the storm. I'd like to think I emerged from that storm a little bit wiser, too. 


Sometimes in life, we are hiking a trail and we see a storm heading our way. We may think that we can turn away from the storm and go towards what appears to be a calm sky. But is that going to get us where we want to be? Or is that just going to give a us a few more minutes to delay the inevitable? And ultimately, would that make it more difficult for us? Would it mean a longer time in the storm to run with the storm? Would we just have to wait at the other end for someone to rescue us?

Let's face our storms with courage and with God. Pray hard then run harder. If you know that's the only way to go to get back to your car and your home then face your storms head on. For isn't that how you will get out of it the quickest? And maybe you will find moments in that storm that are actually enjoyable and give your relief from the heat of life. Maybe then you will see how capable and strong you are. A little water and mud never hurt anyone. The lightening might be frightening, but you can only control what you can control. Since you are already there, trust God and use your best logic and common sense to stay as safe as you can. Notice the beauty of the storm as you go along--the clouds, the newly created mini waterfalls, the desert smell. Maybe think about how you can prepare better next time by being in better shape, too. Choose to see the adventure of the storm and embrace it since you can't change it.

Let's face the storms we have to face and emerge a little wiser and stronger. 

October 23, 2020

happy day


Happy Friday! Eric and I had an incredible experience last weekend and we have spent the rest of the week recovering and catching up. 

Today is a good day! I finally feel like things I have been struggling with and trying to figure out are falling into place. I was starting to lose hope. But one should never lose hope. And now all the struggling has made this day so much brighter.

"Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: it can be delightful."
-George Bernard Shaw

How true is that? It's ok when things aren't easy. It is not meant to be easy. Easy does not mean better. Even when something is not easy, it can be delightful and wonderful. 

This weekend we are hoping to enjoy some halloween traditions and preparations. And someone has his first homecoming dance to attend!

Here's to the weekend!!

October 12, 2020

resuming


Oh, wow. It is a very rare thing for me to skip a week without posting something on here. I've kept this blog record of our family for 12 years now and I can honestly count on one hand the number of times I haven't met my personal goal I set all those years ago to post at least once a week. 

I wish I could say that I had a good reason for it, but I don't really. Like I mentioned in my last post, I just crave stillness these days. Probably it's aftershocks of my recent cancer scare or something. (And that itself is something that would probably serve me well to finish recording about.)

All of my kids will be in school tomorrow and I am a bit excited for them and for me. Routine, social interaction, and in person learning will be SO good for all of them. And that Stillness I need right now has been hard to find in a full house so it will be good for me, too.

The general conference talk I studied this week with my friend (we pick a talk and email our thoughts to each other) was "the blessing of continuing revelation to prophets and personal revelation to guide our lives." Elder Cook reminded me that "continuous revelation is indeed the very lifeblood of the gospel of the living Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." Life is difficult enough, but I can't imagine how much harder it would be if I didn't know I can receive revelation in my personal life. I can have truth testified and confirmed to me. I can get thoughts and ideas to help and guide me. I can get answers I am seeking. I can be prepared for decisions and experiences. Personal revelation has give me clarity, confidence, support, help, and ideas so many times in my life. I hope you know you can receive it, too.

I now hope to resume my regular blog posting schedule of no schedule except for aiming for once a week.

September 12, 2020

find me in the river

I recently heard the song "Find Me in the River." I love the version from the "I Still Believe" movie soundtrack. I think it's so pretty. And I think it's an expression of humility, surrender, and trust in God. 

"Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We've longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And bought our pretty crowns
But never paid the price
Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare

Even though you're gone
And I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river
I'm waiting here
Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We didn't count on suffering
We didn't count on pain
But if there are blessings in the valley
Then in the river I will wait
Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone
And I'm…"

I have spent so much time "in the river" this summer, literally and spiritually, so this song has become an anthem. The river has been a place for me to “lay my soul out bare”—to heal, to surrender my will and my problems, to draw closer to a Heavenly Father who has created such beauty for us, and to feel peace. I feel my soul healing every time I go. 


Part of that healing has been the strength I get from the people I spend time with. 




Thank goodness for friends who are patient with me, understanding, and inspiring. I think we all help each other grow in different ways. 






These ladies actually went out with me just a few days before my big lung biopsy. Some of my worries and concerns were released on the river that night.




Look at this view at the end of our river run! I just took a big breath in when I saw this. God gives us so much peace in nature.


Not too long after that, a big group of us went to the river for an evening paddle. Each of these women are so unique. Yet each one has taught me or served me in a different way. Oh how we need each other! 




And they are fun.








Eric and I went out on the kayak on the most perfect there could be. The water was high and the weather was divine and so we spent 2 hours and ten minutes kayaking from water users to granite reef (about 10 miles).


How gorgeous was this spot that evening with all of the horses around!














We've been doing some hard work on our marriage and I'm grateful that because of that we get out and do things together that we love. 


How fun to be married to your best friend--someone I can talk to about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING as we paddle along.



A little self timer photo shoot to capture the peace of the evening.










The weather is starting to change and the flow of the river will be cut off soon. But it has been quite often, that you could find me in the river this year. It feeds my soul.