grief and love

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” —Leo Tolstoy

Our grief is still real and tangible and that place for her in our hearts will always be there.

And we are healing, too. We go forward loving others and each other and missing her all in the same breath.

Brinn has been talking about her every single day. Every day.

Mostly she just says to me, “I miss Kay Kay.” Sometimes she is angry and tells me so, “I am mad K isn’t here.” And sometimes she tells me “to just go to the doctor and ask for another baby K to come home to us right now.”

Just this morning we were talking about our K bug and she was telling me she misses her. I told her how much I missed her too but that K is safe and that we could be happy that she is with her birth parents. She quickly replied that she is not happy about that and she wants her here with us. That’s where she is in her grief.

It helped so much when a few weeks ago we got to stop by her house and say hello to sweet baby girl. She was crawling and smiling and pulling herself up and it was glorious to be with her again. It was comforting and hard, too short and every moment was cherished. 

It really did help Brinn to get to play with her for awhile. She went maybe 5 whole days without bringing her up. Then I saw her bring a chair over to some photos on the wall. She stood up to face the picture of her holding baby K. She started talking to the picture and telling K how much she misses and loves her. It was tender and heartbreaking and beautiful. I’ve seen her do it a couple of times since and I think it helps her process her grief. 

She has such a big loving heart which means she feels this loss in a big way, too. I can relate. I’m trying to give us both all the space and time we need to grieve and process. 

K is so loved by us and will always hold a place in our lives and hearts. 

baby girl at seven months and eight and goodbye

Sorting through pictures for this post brought my heartache to the surface. My grief is still so raw and fresh. I miss this beautiful baby with all my heart. Sure, I can probably rationalize a lot of other feelings, too. But I feel like I belong in my grief right now. I feel so sad. I miss her.

Here are pictures of her at seven and eight months, and the moments in between.

Layla took this picture while she played house with K in the clubhouse. Just an everyday picture.


She became such a mover between seven and eight months. Army crawling everywhere. Getting up on hands and knees and rocking.

A sleeping baby is so precious.

These two had such a special bond. Brinn could always get the biggest belly laughs out of her.

These two had another incredible bond. Kacin is such a caring, sweet big brother. 





It was so hard to get her to hold still for this photo shoot. She was crawling and rolling everywhere. I finally gave her the toy that allowed me to take a few pictures.

And she also recently discovered that she can take off her headbands. She would only keep them on for a few minutes before ripping them off.

The last few days with her were filled with lots of snuggles with each of us.

I love how Perry calls her "Baby Cutes." Such a sweet name for her.

We got a call from grandma and grandpa, too. 

The sweet image of Brinn with K was a moment of heaven on earth.

We also played a game that Layla came up with. She put K in the middle of our circle and we played “who will baby crawl to?” Grayson was the winner.

We love you, baby girl, more than we could ever express. You have been a light in our lives these last 8 months. You brought so much joy and tenderness to our home. You are the most easygoing, happy baby there ever could be. You are a pure delight. You will always be our little girl.