feeling it all and finding rest

It has been such an emotional week. All I want to do/need to do is curl up in my bed for 24 hours with the hope that with some rest my emotions will settle down.

Sometimes feeling everything so deeply is a beautiful blessing. The joy! The fun! The wonder! The adventure! The connection!

And sometimes it leaves me utterly exhausted.  

I took my girls to Disneyland at the beginning of this week. Just me and my girls. When I was there, I remembered that Disneyland reminds me of my mom. Of my family. My grief washed over me numerous times as I rode certain rides or walked by certain places. So much has changed in my Allen family since those years of Disney vacations. My heart feels so happy that we made so many wonderful memories growing up, but also so sad and achy for the ways things have changed. 

I miss my mom so intensely. And I am so sad about the way she died. It breaks my heart. And it lights a fire under me to be there for my own kids. My kids need a mom. I need a mom. The world needs moms.

We made the really hard decision to put our foster care license on hold. It was so emotional to sign that paper. It doesn't mean closed forever but even closed for now breaks my heart.

I've been sorting through childhood trauma and acknowledging my feelings and pain. I am choosing deliberately the boundaries I want to set in place and the ways in which I want to show up. It's a complicated process. I try not to blame other people and acknowledge they must be doing their best. My pain and my hurt is mine to carry, to work through, and to release. I am trying to turn anger, frustration, and hurt into acceptance, compassion, and peace in Christ.

Perry's behaviors have been extremely difficult. Eric has started traveling again. Being at home without someone to tag team feels impossible. Perry is too heavy for me to remove when he is verbally and physically aggressive towards us. It is hard emotionally to have someone scream and call you and your other children names on a regular basis, especially for things that are unreasonable. The physical aggressiveness is scary for all of us, too. It is exhausting to continually show up with all the patience, assertiveness, and unconditional love. All the time. That's why we continually schedule fun things, self care, breaks, date nights, and vacations. It is how we survive. But it's harder to do when one of us travels.

We met as a book club at my house after reading "Just Mercy." Such a powerful book! It changed me and fills me with greater compassion and a will to do more to help others.

I watched Dear Evan Hansen with a friend one night this week. The tears flowed down both of our cheeks. I feel that movie from every single angle. I'm so grateful for a friend right now who also feels it completely and could analyze all the things with me--anxiety, depression, loneliness, trauma, mistakes, parenting, suicide.

I had my injection on Friday. The girl who gave it was covering for the nurse who was out on vacation. And she totally did it wrong and injected my stomach muscle and I've been in so much ab pain since then. Which increases my medical anxiety.

I ran the Mud Girl with Layla and a friend and her daughter. So glad to yet again complete a race that supports women, breast cancer, and gives us the opportunity to do hard things together. But it triggers memories of cancer, of frustration that my body can't do all the things I want it to do without pain, and other past experiences.

With all of these feelings flowing through me this week, I was ready for general conference weekend. The first talk I listened to on saturday afternoon was exactly one of the things that had been weighing heavily on me this weekend. This conference has been talk after talk that my soul needed.

The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is not perfect--I have been personally hurt and confused by local leaders before. I have seen much fake/hypocritical behavior. I know pieces of the history of the church are confusing and hurtful. But at its core, which we hear at conference and read in the scriptures, it is the most true thing I have ever seen. It is a church that believes in repentance and change--in our personal lives and collectively. It is a church of growth. It is a church that always points me to Christ--not to a man. It is a place to find peace and strength. No matter where I go, I know I will always have the fellowship of a church family. It is a church that strives to live principles and virtues of a good, fulfilling life. It helps me recognize God and miracles in my life. It teaches me who I am and my purpose in my life. 

With all my big feelings and challenges in life, I NEED the CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS. I don't just casually want a church. I NEED a church that helps me draw close to Christ and the peace only He has brought into my life. I need the organization that supports me and my family throughout my life. I need this place where I can remember to have hope and find answers to all of my feelings, questions, and problems. 

I feel like I have felt it all this week. But now, I remember, I can hand it all over to the Lord for awhile and find some rest. True rest. The kind of rest that just might be better ad more realistic than the 24 hour nap I was dreaming of.  

conference weekend

The tradition of matching pajamas conference weekend continued!

We ironed on a different patch onto each person's hot pink shirt.



Brinn's shirt was just a tad bit big for her. I can't even tell you how hard it is to figure out matching attire for a family in little girls size 2T-mens large and everything in between without spending a bucketload and within a limited amount of time. Shirts from Michaels, pants and shorts from Target, and iron on patches from Hobby Lobby and I was satisfied.

I often hope for a laid back conference weekend, but each weekend seems a bit busy and chaotic. We try really hard to watch or listen to as many talks as possible as a family.



Perry was actually probably the best listener out of all of us. He described conference by saying "The old guy teaches us the gospel." So innocent and sweet from the mouth of Perry. We are grateful for the "old guy" and his wisdom and experience and all of the experience of our church leaders and the apostles.





It was also a very special conference this year because it was the first time for Layla to join me at the Women's session saturday night. I was so excited about the changes that were announced and explained at that session. My daughters are lucky to be growing up and living as members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints at this time. There were some beautiful changes in the YW theme and the YW program. So exciting.

I didn't remember to get a picture, but we did get to go out to dinner with Jacqui and Macie--a fun way to celebrate the girls joining us at the women's session.

 I received a priesthood blessing a few months ago and one thing that was said in it was that conference would be a time that I would receive a lot of personal messages for me. And that was so. It was some of the small phrases, sentences, and minor messages that spoke just to me it seemed. Another reminder to me that God is aware of us and in the details of our lives. And I am grateful for every message that pointed me to Him.

"As in our New Testament story, those blessed with sight will recognize that, in spite of everything else this conference tradition may offer us, it will mean little or nothing unless we find Jesus at the center of it all. To grasp the vision we are seeking, the healing that He promises, the significance we somehow know is here, we must cut through the commotion—joyful as it is—and fix our attention on Him. The prayer of every speaker, the hope of all who sing, the reverence of every guest—all are dedicated to inviting the Spirit of Him whose Church this is—the living Christ, the Lamb of God, the Prince of Peace.

But we don’t have to be in a conference center to find Him."

                     --Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (The Message, the Meaning, and the Multitude)

General Conference

What a wild General conference it was! We had an idea that there would be changes and even what those changes might be, but such a big change for our church happened.

We watched conference from the couch on Saturday morning.

That’s when the Prophet, President Nelson, announced that next year we would be embracing a home centered, church supported curriculum. Our worship at church on sunday would decrease down to two hours. There is also a new program to help us study as a family at home. 

I’m certain that I am the only one who heard the news and hid my head under a blanket to cry. 

When I first heard the possibility of this happening a few months ago, I was a little surprised and a little sad. I like three hour church a lot. 

I tried to prepare myself for the change, but hearing it spoken over the pulpit stirred up a lot of feelings for me. It probably didn’t help that I wasn’t feeling well at the time from that stomach bug that spread through our family. And that I am in the midst of some trauma named cancer. So change in general seemed overwhelming! But then add in the fact that our family is made up of teenagers to baby to special needs and I felt so overwhelmed by the thought of adding one more “program” into our family life right now. How in the world would we do this?? Especially with Perry. The structure of church at the church building and teachers other than his parents is so good for him. I felt so overwhelmed by this particular change. And I thought “oh great, one more hour for me to yell at the kids.”

I took some time to process. I prayed. And slowly I came around to the fact that good can come from it. I can trust our prophet and his leaders. Our family can use the time to serve more, to minister to families and friends, to invite people over for dinner, to have more time for our one-on-one meetings with our kids. This can be a good thing if we are deliberate about our time, pray to Heavenly Father for guidance and help, and trust in this inspired program. We will be ok.

For the Saturday afternoon session, Kyler, Kacin, and Layla all went to friends houses to watch. Brinna napped. Perry played. And Eric and I found ourselves with a rare experience of watching conference just us two. 

That evening I went with a friend to the women’s session of conference. There was a sense of comfort being back in my old stake center. Our dear prophet issued another inspired challenge to the women of the church. He encouraged us to go on a 10 day social and negative media fast, read the Book of Mormon by the end of year, regularly worship in the temple, and increase our participation in relief society.

I needed some processing time again to think about how I can try this challenge in the best way for me at this time of my life. 

I first thought and prayed about media. It’s been on my mind lately anyways. I came up with a plan that worked for me and would help me make a lasting change. I weaned myself off of facebook. I put limits on when I would use Instagram. I thought about how to replace my bad habits with good ones. I wrote down some guidelines and my plan. And I am trying to live by it. I already feel a difference in my life. I am not perfect at my plan, but the small changes are making a big difference. And I feel like I can continue to make small gradual changes and that will be the best for me.

I have been reading the Book of Mormon already so my plan is to be a little more diligent to make sure that I finish from where I am by the end of the year. And if I can keep going and start again, I will.

I still need to come up with a good temple and RS plan for myself. I just need to take some time to really think about how to increase my participation right now with cancer fighting and my family as my greatest priorities. I’m glad that I can pray to Heavenly Father and He will help me know what I should do right now. I just need to ask.

We listened to the Sunday sessions of conference while we packed up our Airbnb and hit the road for wanatchee. We are so grateful for the chance to hear from prophets, apostles, and church leaders every six months and to get the chance to study their words.

This was the first time in almost ten years that we did not get conference pajamas. My kids remembered. But they were kind about it. Cancer, travel, and a stomach bug kind of put that tradition on hold this year. If I can get my act together I will do belated pajamas before Christmas. Or we may just wait until next year.

inspiration and revelation

In at least three of my priesthood blessings since my cancer diagnosis, I was counseled to read the general conference talks from April's conference. Each subsequent blessing got a little bit more specific about that counsel. Probably because I wasn't listening very well. Sure, the first time I heard it, I thought that was a good idea. Yet, I never really did anything about it. The second time, I was told there were messages in there that were just for me. So I read a little here and there. But my most recent priesthood blessing so urged me to study those talks again, specifically messages from our prophet, President Nielsen. And even to go back and read his past talks. Unfortunately indeed, it took me three times to hear that counsel before I really took it seriously. For the last few weeks or so I have been more diligent about studying from conference. My mind has been blown! As I have read and studied, specific direction and inspiration that I was not even expecting has poured in. Simple things. But I have already seen a positive impact on me and on my family. I wonder, why was I so slow to follow that counsel?? God is so patient with us and always right there ready to guide us and strengthen us as soon as we take that first step.

The talks from the sunday morning session have been some of my favorites.

Take the Holy Spirit as Your Guide: "We can not just do and think what others are doing and thinking; we must live a guided life."

With One Accord: "As we draw closer to Him, as we seek to receive a personal witness through the Holy Ghost of His divine mission, we will have a better understanding of our purpose; the love of God will dwell in our hearts; we will have the determination to be on of the keleidoscopes of our familes, wards, and communities; and we will minister to each other 'in newer, better ways.' Miracles happen when the children of God work together guided by the Spirit to reach out to others in need."

Pure Love: The True Sign of Every True Disciple of Jesus Christ: "President Thomas S. Monson said: 'May we begin now, this very day, to express love to all of God's children, whether they be our family members, our friends, mere acquaintances, or total strangers. As we arise each morning, let us determine to respond with love and kindness to whatever might come our way.' Brothers and sisters, the gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of love. The greatest commandment is about love. For me, it's all about love."

His Spirit to Be with You: "The Prophet Joseph set an example for us of how to receive continual spiritual direction and comfort through the Holy Ghost. The first choice he made was to be humble before God. The second was to pray with faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. The third was to obey exactly. Obedience may mean to move quickly. It may mean to prepare. Or it may mean to wait in patience for further inspiration. And the fourth is to pray to know the needs and hearts of others and how to help them for the Lord."

Revelation for the Church, Revelation for our Lives: "Through the manifestations of the Holy Ghost, the Lord will assist us in all our righteous pursuits." AND "Find a quiet place where you can regularly go. Humble yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort. Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses--yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will 'grow into the principle of revelation."

general conference weekend

Three more school days and then summer vacation begins. I've never felt so unprepared for summer break to get here. Which is all besides the fact because my purpose today is General Conference.

Yes, general conference that happened nearly two months ago. It was such a fabulous weekend and I have been too slow in getting to it.

Eric and I decided, in our family, when you are 12 we will go on a special trip to Utah to attend General Conference. Kyler got to go with Eric last year. While Kyler and Eric had a great time together, I think Ky felt like he got the short end of the stick since they spent the majority of the trip driving in the car. Meanwhile, Kacin and I flew in a plane. I guess that's a dad vs mom experience. Sorry, Ky.

Kacin and I flew into Salt Lake City on a Friday morning. We met up with our good friends from WA, Caleb and Adrienne, at the airport and spent the weekend with them.

We ate way too much pizza.

And then used some free passes at the Clark planetarium.

We walked over to temple square and took a tour of the Beehive house, walked through the beautiful Joseph Smith Memorial building, and enjoyed the temple grounds.

We got Joseph Smith (the statue) in this selfie.

So incredibly beautiful!

Our main means of transportation for the weekend was Trax (though Adrienne's wonderful in-laws so kindly let us borrow their car whenever we needed to). Which was fun in and of itself.

We spent 48 hours as dedicated temple square conference attendees. We watched the first session of conference in the Tabernacle.

Then we waited in line and got tickets into the Conference Center for the afternoon session. I was both dizzy and claustrophobic sitting up so high. But some of my favorite talks came from this session. Like this and this and this.

The boys had tickets to the Priesthood session with Caleb's grandpa (while Adrienne and I enjoyed a nice dinner).

On Sunday, we watched the morning session in the Joseph Smith Memorial building. Then in the afternoon we had awesome seats in the Conference Center.

What did we do in between conference sessions?

Smushed lunches between sessions. And by the end of it some trunky kids...

It is such an experience to be there at conference, to be in the same room as the apostles and prophets. I'm so grateful we got to be there!