feeling it all and finding rest

It has been such an emotional week. All I want to do/need to do is curl up in my bed for 24 hours with the hope that with some rest my emotions will settle down.

Sometimes feeling everything so deeply is a beautiful blessing. The joy! The fun! The wonder! The adventure! The connection!

And sometimes it leaves me utterly exhausted.  

I took my girls to Disneyland at the beginning of this week. Just me and my girls. When I was there, I remembered that Disneyland reminds me of my mom. Of my family. My grief washed over me numerous times as I rode certain rides or walked by certain places. So much has changed in my Allen family since those years of Disney vacations. My heart feels so happy that we made so many wonderful memories growing up, but also so sad and achy for the ways things have changed. 

I miss my mom so intensely. And I am so sad about the way she died. It breaks my heart. And it lights a fire under me to be there for my own kids. My kids need a mom. I need a mom. The world needs moms.

We made the really hard decision to put our foster care license on hold. It was so emotional to sign that paper. It doesn't mean closed forever but even closed for now breaks my heart.

I've been sorting through childhood trauma and acknowledging my feelings and pain. I am choosing deliberately the boundaries I want to set in place and the ways in which I want to show up. It's a complicated process. I try not to blame other people and acknowledge they must be doing their best. My pain and my hurt is mine to carry, to work through, and to release. I am trying to turn anger, frustration, and hurt into acceptance, compassion, and peace in Christ.

Perry's behaviors have been extremely difficult. Eric has started traveling again. Being at home without someone to tag team feels impossible. Perry is too heavy for me to remove when he is verbally and physically aggressive towards us. It is hard emotionally to have someone scream and call you and your other children names on a regular basis, especially for things that are unreasonable. The physical aggressiveness is scary for all of us, too. It is exhausting to continually show up with all the patience, assertiveness, and unconditional love. All the time. That's why we continually schedule fun things, self care, breaks, date nights, and vacations. It is how we survive. But it's harder to do when one of us travels.

We met as a book club at my house after reading "Just Mercy." Such a powerful book! It changed me and fills me with greater compassion and a will to do more to help others.

I watched Dear Evan Hansen with a friend one night this week. The tears flowed down both of our cheeks. I feel that movie from every single angle. I'm so grateful for a friend right now who also feels it completely and could analyze all the things with me--anxiety, depression, loneliness, trauma, mistakes, parenting, suicide.

I had my injection on Friday. The girl who gave it was covering for the nurse who was out on vacation. And she totally did it wrong and injected my stomach muscle and I've been in so much ab pain since then. Which increases my medical anxiety.

I ran the Mud Girl with Layla and a friend and her daughter. So glad to yet again complete a race that supports women, breast cancer, and gives us the opportunity to do hard things together. But it triggers memories of cancer, of frustration that my body can't do all the things I want it to do without pain, and other past experiences.

With all of these feelings flowing through me this week, I was ready for general conference weekend. The first talk I listened to on saturday afternoon was exactly one of the things that had been weighing heavily on me this weekend. This conference has been talk after talk that my soul needed.

The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is not perfect--I have been personally hurt and confused by local leaders before. I have seen much fake/hypocritical behavior. I know pieces of the history of the church are confusing and hurtful. But at its core, which we hear at conference and read in the scriptures, it is the most true thing I have ever seen. It is a church that believes in repentance and change--in our personal lives and collectively. It is a church of growth. It is a church that always points me to Christ--not to a man. It is a place to find peace and strength. No matter where I go, I know I will always have the fellowship of a church family. It is a church that strives to live principles and virtues of a good, fulfilling life. It helps me recognize God and miracles in my life. It teaches me who I am and my purpose in my life. 

With all my big feelings and challenges in life, I NEED the CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS. I don't just casually want a church. I NEED a church that helps me draw close to Christ and the peace only He has brought into my life. I need the organization that supports me and my family throughout my life. I need this place where I can remember to have hope and find answers to all of my feelings, questions, and problems. 

I feel like I have felt it all this week. But now, I remember, I can hand it all over to the Lord for awhile and find some rest. True rest. The kind of rest that just might be better ad more realistic than the 24 hour nap I was dreaming of.  

get back up and run

After qualifying at the multi-school track meet in the adaptive relay, Perry participated in the district race. He had such a sweet relay partner and loved racing with with classmate, too.

He was excited for the race and his heart set on a medal. It was all about the medal for this kid.

He was lined up at the start and his partner was in her place.

He was ready to go.

His partner came out with such momentum that when she tagged him the force made him tumble to the ground.

For a split second, my heart stopped. Would he sit on the ground and cry and yell about his scraped knee? Would he be so confused about what happened that he sat there until someone helped him? Would he get up and run but come in last? 

However, Perry proved himself as a fighter and a competitive, resilient athlete. He scrambled to his feet as quick as could be. Without looking back or looking around or getting upset, HE RAN.

With sheer determination, he ran as hard as he could towards that finish line. I was so, so proud of him and the way he handled it.

He ran so hard that he still ended up in third.

And got a medal.

He was thrilled to get that medal!

Perry set such a great example to so many of us that night. Sometimes we get knocked over in life and go tumbling to the ground. When we choose not to worry about what happened, keep our eyes fixed on our end goal, and put in all our effort, we make it. Maybe even with a medal.

priesthood

At the beginning of the year, Perry decided he wanted to be ordained a deacon in the priesthood. He knew one of the things this would mean is that he could help pass the sacrament to the congregation of the church. As his parents, Eric and I were so anxious about this new responsibility. I knew he was capable if he wanted to do it, but it would take some extra preparation and thought into how to best support him.

He had a great interview with the Bishop. He explained to Perry the significance of being a priesthood holder. We talked to his Young Men's leader and came up with a plan. 

The day came for him to be ordained a deacon. It was a special day.

And it was like a mantle was placed upon him. He has risen to the occasion and God has strengthened him. 

One of our concerns was getting Perry to wear a white shirt. He refuses buttons and collars usually. I think if we really couldn't find a solution he would've been just fine wearing a t-shirt, but we found a solution he agreed to--a white short sleeved polo style shirt.

The next concern was his fine motor skills. His hands are very shaky. He was nervous himself that the sacrament trays would be too heavy. We practiced once before he was trained with the other deacons. And amazingly he hasn't had a problem carrying the trays yet.

We were also worried he would get confused and wouldn't know where to go. One of the sweet Deacons (this kid is amazing and seriously his care for Perry brings tears to my eyes) buddied up with Perry and walked with him for the first month. They give Perry the same route each time so he know exactly what to do and where to go. When Perry has questions he turns to Trevor and Trevor so kindly and patiently teaches him. During the second month of passing Trevor gave Perry a little more space to allow him to independently pass the sacrament. The support of the other young men has been extremely beautiful, appreciated, and exactly what Perry needed.

Since Perry started passing the sacrament and joined the Deacons quorum, I have seen a positive shift in him. He is more confident and independent. He feels important and needed. He feels a part of something big and special.

My heart is so full watching all of this. Isn't this the same kid who would throw his keys, the ones he clutched everywhere he went, while we sat in the pews of the chapel and our friends and ward members would have to duck to not get hit when his impulses got the best of him? Isn't this the same kid who would scream and bite and have to be carried out of our meeting each sunday? I couldn't imagine then that this glorious day would get here like this.

I know it has touched the hearts of our congregation as well. Most sundays, I have at least one person approach me and tell me how tears come to their eyes when they watch him pass the sacrament. It really is a beautiful thing.

I'm so grateful for Perry in my life. He teaches me and tests me and makes my heart grow deeper and my love soar. Glory to God for this special experience.

answered prayers

It changes so quickly with Perry. He had been doing so well all afternoon. We had such a nice time at a friends Christmas lighting party. He filled his plate up with mints. Overflowing mints. He was so excited about it that it was difficult to be upset at him over it. He was happy and content. 

Until he wasn't. 

We never know if it is triggered by a sensory overload, anxiety, attention seeking, trauma influenced, control seeking, a combination of all of those, or something else entirely. There is no consistent pattern or way to completely predict.

Saturday night he lost control. Big time. He was aggressive and manic. He was verbally threatening, screaming, and hitting me. We had him in his room as he preceded to throw and toss anything he could get his hands on. I'd walk out of the room and come back in to check him. There wasn't anything I could say or do. He just wasn't calming down. He went Hulk.

Standing outside your child's door listening to them scream uncontrollably for long periods of time has to be one of the hardest things to experience as a parent. I felt helpless, frustrated, exhausted, bewildered, and depleted. In various degrees, this is a daily occurrence. I've learned to disassociate it from it for the most part. But that is not always possible or easy to do. My patience was growing thin that night and I felt close to my own helpless meltdown. 

I stood in the dark hallway with one hand on the door knob of Perry's room. I lifted my head up and pleaded with Heavenly Father for his help. I was maybe challenging His decision to allow me to be a mother and questioning Him about how in the heck I was supposed to keep doing THIS day after day. I told Him I needed help. I'm not sure how much faith I had, but I had total sincerity in my pleading.

I said Amen and opened the door not knowing what else I should do. I stepped in. I knew my job was to be the calm. To be the safety. To teach him to regulate himself. 

He was ripping his sheets off and speaking all sorts of angry things at me. The thought came to my mind to pull out his Harry Potter picture book and read to him. I brushed the thought aside and tried to talk to him and think of what else I could say to deescalate him. I had the thought again to suggest reading Harry Potter together. I decided it wouldn't hurt to ask him if he wanted me to read to him on his bed. 

I do not know why this was the thing that worked that night, but it did.

I haven't tried to read him those books in over a year. I don't ever think about them. I didn't know if they were on his shelf or where they even were in his closet. 

I don't know why I had that thought to read to him. Except that God answered my prayer. He inspired me with the idea that was the thing that Perry would respond to that night. He heard me. He knew Perry. He helped us.

And so Perry helped me put his sheet back on his bed and replace the pillows and blankets. He snuggled close to me and I read the first few pages of Harry Potter (until he requested that audible take over for me). 

Now every night we look forward to reading a few pages together. We lay side by side in his bed and he talks about his day and begs me to stay longer when it's time for me to get up (of course I stay a few minutes more).

I know this Harry Potter thing isn't a long term solution to the challenges of autism or anything, but it was a reminder to me that all I need to do is ask God and He will help me. He can help me in the "small" things of life. He is there. I felt noticed and cared for. I felt empowered. As I put forth effort, He will be the difference. He knows more than me and loves more perfectly than me so maybe I should keep trusting and turning to Him. 

(pictures from Spring lifestyle photos taken by my friend, not from saturday night)

Lookin’ good and autism awareness

“Mom, I look really good right now in this shirt.”

Buddy, you are always looking good in my eyes.

I see you for who you are and all that you teach me.

You teach me it is the small things that matter most.

You turn everything into a game.

You remind me to appreciate the smallest of victories.

You feel big and love big. 

Your kisses and hugs are pure love.

You feel so much pride in being a big brother to Brinna. You care for her so gently.

You look forward with such hope and excitement.

You teach us flexibility and patience.


You allow us to serve you and our hearts grow bigger because of that privilege. 


We are better people and a much stronger family because of you, Perry.

We see you and we love you.

Yes, you are lookin’ good.

Surfing with Nixon

We had this cool opportunity to attend the Surfing with Nixon event for the first time this year.

The main purpose of the event is for children with autism to have the opportunity to surf. Perry loved his 20 min session on the waves!











They held the event at Big Surf. So nostalgic for me! Considering Big Surf was my first summer job when I was 15. And I don't think it's changed one bit from those summers 20 years ago.



We took everyone out of school for the afternoon and most of the children came with us. Kyler opted to stay home so he could rest up for a big cross country meet that night. So he watched Brinns while the rest of us hit the water park.

Those two had a big wrestling match going on in the pool.













I couldn't even get them to stop when someone offered to take our family picture. Oh well, that is real life with boys.





Perry was excited to meet up with a friend from school there.



And he was happy about all the swag we brought home--t-shirts, tumblers, posters, Hurley and Quicksilver hats, diamondback tickets, etc. and this little stuffed horse.





We had a blast on all of the slides.





This slide here was my second to last slide of the day. And the slide that ripped my swimsuit bottoms. For reals. Yikes!









We are already looking forward to this event for next year!