our covenants and transformation

I have made covenants with God. When I was baptized I promised to always remember Him, to take His name upon me, and to keep His commandments. In return, I was promised the gift of repentance and to be forgiven when I make mistakes. I was promised that I could have the gift of the Holy Ghost to help me each day.

I have made covenants in the temple. I have promised to keep the laws of obedience, sacrifice, the gospel, chastity, and consecration. I made covenants when I was married to Eric.

Yesterday I was thinking about each one of my covenants and how as I have tried to honor them blessings have come into my life and I have changed because of them. They do not restrict me--they help me to become so much more than I could on my own. They are transforming me.

Our covenants have the power to transform us. As we strive to honor our covenants we can become people of compassion, patience, hope, joy, light, love, and purpose. Striving to remember and keep our covenants brings us closer to Jesus Christ and to our Heavenly Father and allows a power to flow through our lives. Our covenants help us to become and to do so much more than we ever could on our own. 

My covenants help me to become close to my Savior.

As I keep my covenants, I can expect miracles in my life. And I see them!

feeling it all and finding rest

It has been such an emotional week. All I want to do/need to do is curl up in my bed for 24 hours with the hope that with some rest my emotions will settle down.

Sometimes feeling everything so deeply is a beautiful blessing. The joy! The fun! The wonder! The adventure! The connection!

And sometimes it leaves me utterly exhausted.  

I took my girls to Disneyland at the beginning of this week. Just me and my girls. When I was there, I remembered that Disneyland reminds me of my mom. Of my family. My grief washed over me numerous times as I rode certain rides or walked by certain places. So much has changed in my Allen family since those years of Disney vacations. My heart feels so happy that we made so many wonderful memories growing up, but also so sad and achy for the ways things have changed. 

I miss my mom so intensely. And I am so sad about the way she died. It breaks my heart. And it lights a fire under me to be there for my own kids. My kids need a mom. I need a mom. The world needs moms.

We made the really hard decision to put our foster care license on hold. It was so emotional to sign that paper. It doesn't mean closed forever but even closed for now breaks my heart.

I've been sorting through childhood trauma and acknowledging my feelings and pain. I am choosing deliberately the boundaries I want to set in place and the ways in which I want to show up. It's a complicated process. I try not to blame other people and acknowledge they must be doing their best. My pain and my hurt is mine to carry, to work through, and to release. I am trying to turn anger, frustration, and hurt into acceptance, compassion, and peace in Christ.

Perry's behaviors have been extremely difficult. Eric has started traveling again. Being at home without someone to tag team feels impossible. Perry is too heavy for me to remove when he is verbally and physically aggressive towards us. It is hard emotionally to have someone scream and call you and your other children names on a regular basis, especially for things that are unreasonable. The physical aggressiveness is scary for all of us, too. It is exhausting to continually show up with all the patience, assertiveness, and unconditional love. All the time. That's why we continually schedule fun things, self care, breaks, date nights, and vacations. It is how we survive. But it's harder to do when one of us travels.

We met as a book club at my house after reading "Just Mercy." Such a powerful book! It changed me and fills me with greater compassion and a will to do more to help others.

I watched Dear Evan Hansen with a friend one night this week. The tears flowed down both of our cheeks. I feel that movie from every single angle. I'm so grateful for a friend right now who also feels it completely and could analyze all the things with me--anxiety, depression, loneliness, trauma, mistakes, parenting, suicide.

I had my injection on Friday. The girl who gave it was covering for the nurse who was out on vacation. And she totally did it wrong and injected my stomach muscle and I've been in so much ab pain since then. Which increases my medical anxiety.

I ran the Mud Girl with Layla and a friend and her daughter. So glad to yet again complete a race that supports women, breast cancer, and gives us the opportunity to do hard things together. But it triggers memories of cancer, of frustration that my body can't do all the things I want it to do without pain, and other past experiences.

With all of these feelings flowing through me this week, I was ready for general conference weekend. The first talk I listened to on saturday afternoon was exactly one of the things that had been weighing heavily on me this weekend. This conference has been talk after talk that my soul needed.

The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is not perfect--I have been personally hurt and confused by local leaders before. I have seen much fake/hypocritical behavior. I know pieces of the history of the church are confusing and hurtful. But at its core, which we hear at conference and read in the scriptures, it is the most true thing I have ever seen. It is a church that believes in repentance and change--in our personal lives and collectively. It is a church of growth. It is a church that always points me to Christ--not to a man. It is a place to find peace and strength. No matter where I go, I know I will always have the fellowship of a church family. It is a church that strives to live principles and virtues of a good, fulfilling life. It helps me recognize God and miracles in my life. It teaches me who I am and my purpose in my life. 

With all my big feelings and challenges in life, I NEED the CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS. I don't just casually want a church. I NEED a church that helps me draw close to Christ and the peace only He has brought into my life. I need the organization that supports me and my family throughout my life. I need this place where I can remember to have hope and find answers to all of my feelings, questions, and problems. 

I feel like I have felt it all this week. But now, I remember, I can hand it all over to the Lord for awhile and find some rest. True rest. The kind of rest that just might be better ad more realistic than the 24 hour nap I was dreaming of.  

thoughts at the end of summer break

I set a goal this summer to read from the Book of Mormon every day. Of course I haven't been perfect at this goal, but in my trying there has been something flowing into my life. I am finding answers to questions I've been burdened by for years. I've found peace and reassurance. My mind and my soul feel augmented. 

Coupled with the meditation I am practicing in my Yoga teacher training, I am feeling contentment and peace in a way that I'm not sure I knew was possible anymore. 

 Trauma effects a person's brain and nervous system in such a profound way. As I continue to recover and heal, I feel so much gratitude for the feeling of peace and the sources of peace. And for me that peace flows from Jesus Christ, God, the scriptures, supportive family, and a living Prophet. And also from all the God-given sources of good in the world--music, yoga and meditation practice, nature, good friends, books therapy and life coaching.  

I think it is deep within us to desire to grow and progress. But I think that when we are grounded and centered, then that growth feels very different. In a good way. 

Contentment is true fulfillment. And it yields continual growth.

School has started for most of my kids. A mission has started for my oldest. And my youngest starts preschool next week. I feel myself slowly catching up on things around the house and that gives me a sense of satisfaction. A few more minutes of quiet during the day allows me to recharge and so then I feel like I am a much better mom, wife, and person.

Maybe I'll even find some time now to catch up on here for our family books!

priesthood

At the beginning of the year, Perry decided he wanted to be ordained a deacon in the priesthood. He knew one of the things this would mean is that he could help pass the sacrament to the congregation of the church. As his parents, Eric and I were so anxious about this new responsibility. I knew he was capable if he wanted to do it, but it would take some extra preparation and thought into how to best support him.

He had a great interview with the Bishop. He explained to Perry the significance of being a priesthood holder. We talked to his Young Men's leader and came up with a plan. 

The day came for him to be ordained a deacon. It was a special day.

And it was like a mantle was placed upon him. He has risen to the occasion and God has strengthened him. 

One of our concerns was getting Perry to wear a white shirt. He refuses buttons and collars usually. I think if we really couldn't find a solution he would've been just fine wearing a t-shirt, but we found a solution he agreed to--a white short sleeved polo style shirt.

The next concern was his fine motor skills. His hands are very shaky. He was nervous himself that the sacrament trays would be too heavy. We practiced once before he was trained with the other deacons. And amazingly he hasn't had a problem carrying the trays yet.

We were also worried he would get confused and wouldn't know where to go. One of the sweet Deacons (this kid is amazing and seriously his care for Perry brings tears to my eyes) buddied up with Perry and walked with him for the first month. They give Perry the same route each time so he know exactly what to do and where to go. When Perry has questions he turns to Trevor and Trevor so kindly and patiently teaches him. During the second month of passing Trevor gave Perry a little more space to allow him to independently pass the sacrament. The support of the other young men has been extremely beautiful, appreciated, and exactly what Perry needed.

Since Perry started passing the sacrament and joined the Deacons quorum, I have seen a positive shift in him. He is more confident and independent. He feels important and needed. He feels a part of something big and special.

My heart is so full watching all of this. Isn't this the same kid who would throw his keys, the ones he clutched everywhere he went, while we sat in the pews of the chapel and our friends and ward members would have to duck to not get hit when his impulses got the best of him? Isn't this the same kid who would scream and bite and have to be carried out of our meeting each sunday? I couldn't imagine then that this glorious day would get here like this.

I know it has touched the hearts of our congregation as well. Most sundays, I have at least one person approach me and tell me how tears come to their eyes when they watch him pass the sacrament. It really is a beautiful thing.

I'm so grateful for Perry in my life. He teaches me and tests me and makes my heart grow deeper and my love soar. Glory to God for this special experience.