a woman's voice

This morning Brinna and I climbed into my bed after the older kids all went to school. She held up her little hand and wanted to match it up with mine. Then she asked to match up our noses which led to a fit of belly laughter. 

We spent the next five minutes pretending to sleep while we took turns shouting "boo" at each other to make the other person wake up with a jump. Brinn's laughter spreads out of her soul and fills a whole room with joy.

THAT is why I love being a mom. 

I went to book club last night and we discussed the book "The Woman They Could Not Silence" by Kate Morton. 

It reads more like a history book than a novel, but definitely not as dry as a text book. The author was able to use the exact words of Elizabeth throughout the book so you get to hear her true voice. I loved it. Because Elizabeth Packard is a woman whose character I can relate to. Her story--her life--is incredibly difficult yet her courage, her convictions, and her voice change the world for the better. 

She lived during the Civil War at a time when a married woman had no rights and no voice. She was the property of her husband and when he didn't like how her opinions were different than his and how she spoke out against him, her husband wrongly committed her to a asylum. She endured and saw so much abuse. But she knew "You can not kill a spirit, it lives after all you have done to destroy its existence." (Elizabeth Packard) So she carried on and overcame and did so much good.

"What is very singular in my case is that this woman crushing machinery works the wrong way. The true woman shines brighter and brighter under the process, instead of being strangled." (Elizabeth Packard)

She upheld truth no matter the consequence. She valued motherhood. She stood up for the oppressed. Even in difficult circumstances she was caring and serving. She was intelligent and wise. She didn't cower or change who she was. In fact, she knew her purpose and her assurity and confidence in her mission and in herself carried her boldly forward. She made mistakes and owned them. She used her influence and her story to bring about big changes. She was oh so forgiving, even to people who I didn't think deserved it.

What an incredible human she was! 

"Women are made to fly and soar, not to creep and crawl." 

-Elizabeth Packard

I believe that so strongly. As a woman, we can use our voice, our compassion, our wisdom, our empathy, our virtues, and our influence for so much good in this world. We women need to be vulnerable, supportive, and kind with each other. Yet we need to defend truth and righteousness and stand up for those who can't no matter where we are. 

We must use our voices for good.

The world needs us.

Someone needs you.

best books

I set a goal to read 52 books again this year. Some months I devoured books and some months I didn’t make it through a single one. I did not reach my goal this year, but I did read about 35 books and listened to many podcast episodes (which should count for something towards my goal, don’t you think?)

Some of my favorite reads from this year (amazon affiliate linked in this post, I don't get paid for this but if you purchase through the link I do get a small commission at no cost to you)

(*my top three, **my favorite of the year, highly recommend) 

Five Kingdoms series by Brandon Mull

*Living in Your True Identity by Brooke Snow

**Where the Wind Leads by Vinh Chung 

A Room with a View by E.M. Forster 

The Color of Water by James McBride

The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek by Kim Michele Richardson 

The Indigo Girl by Natasha Boyd

Anxious People by Fredrik Backman

*A Walk in My Shoes by Ben Schilaty 

We Were the Lucky Ones by Georgia Hunter

A Girl Named Zippy by Haven Kimmel

Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child 

The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton 

A Grief Observed by CS Lewis

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom 

I also held my 3rd annual favorite book party. I love hearing about new books, getting a new one to read, and spending an evening hanging out with these wonderful women. 

The table before everyone arrived with food and treats...

I ordered these book and author quote postcards off of etsy to send home with each person.

 





After the book swapping, we all walk away with a new read.

 

I'm excited about the list of books we gathered that night and hope to read many of them in 2022. Here are a few of the ones that were brought. 

The Book of Lost Names by Kristin Harmel

Take Your Love to Your Family and Your Frustrations to the Lord

Cilka's Journey by Heather Morris

The Fountains of Silence

12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos

Winter Garden

The Magnolia Story

The Stationary Shop

Motherhood Realized

The Four Winds

Happy reading!!!

good books

Every once in awhile Eric is great about walking into a room and pulling out his phone to take a picture of our family moments. I'm so grateful he has learned to do this. Because he has documented some of my favorite moments. Moments like this one.

Back in December, the girls and I spent many nights cuddling under the christmas tree reading christmas books together. It felt so magical and peaceful to enjoy so many stories under the twinkling lights. It was hands down my favorite part of the christmas season.

Though another highlight of the season also includes good books. I hosted my second annual favorite book exchange party.

Everyone brings an unwrapped favorite book. These were the picks this year.

After eating and talking, we each went around and gave a brief explanation of the book we brought and why. Then we rolled a dice and passed our book to the right that many times to start the exchange. Then we did a five minute frenzied exchange. We set a timer and passed two bowls around, each with two dice. When you got a bowl you quickly rolled the dice. If you rolled a double, 7 or 11 then you got to exchange your book with anyone that you chose. At the end of the timer, that is the book you got to go home with. These were the books we went home with.

It was such a fun group of women that night. Our book club hasn't been meeting that often because of covid so this was really nice to gather with women who inspire me, teach me, make me laugh, and our united with me in a love of good books.

be still

 I continue to crave calm and peace these days. More specifically, I find myself just wanting to just sit and be still. And breathe.

"In a society that endorses activity, I think we would all do well to put more trust in stillness."

As I was thinking about that, I pulled out one of my favorite books, Mitten Strings for God. I've found this is a book that I just need to return to every now and then. When I reread it, I feel more centered. 

It reminds me of the simple joys of childhood and motherhood; well, and life, too. Sometimes we think we need so much to make our lives happy and fulfilled--more stuff, more activities, more grand experiences. But I do feel like the greatest things can be found in the simplest wonders.

The weather in the mornings has finally dropped below 100 degrees here so we have been opening up the back door in the mornings and Brinn will play outside in our big backyard. Bikes, bugs, rocks, mud--it is the childhood I want for her. 

"It is not enough then to teach our children about nature; we must allow our children to grow up in nature."

While the high heels were tons of fun, we traded them in for the more practical red rain boots.


A little dancing in the flooded backyard.

Rocks. "My children open my eyes to places and pleasures I might otherwise have missed altogether."

I have been trying to stop more often during the day and just take a deep breath in and out. Do you ever stop just to breathe?

I also opened up the Calm app and listened to the daily calm while laying down. I feel much better when I can take these moments to be still. 

Isn't it funny though that last year there was no way that I could calm down enough to be still like this? I needed movement then. It serves me well to notice and listen to myself and then trust that I know what I need. 

Right now I need stillness. 

favorite book party and what I’ve been reading

At the end of November, my friend and I threw a favorite book party. It was a gathering of many of the women who come to our monthly book club and a few others who were able to come just for this night, but all women who I deeply love and admire and am grateful for their wisdom as I’ve gotten to know them and gotten to discuss books and life with.

We kept the evening simple. We set out a few snacks and treats. We asked everyone to bring an unwrapped favorite book. We each drew a name and gave our favorite book to the person whose name we drew after we told everyone a brief summery of the book and why it was a personal favorite. Then for 5 min we passed around two sets of dice. When you rolled doubles, 7, or 11 then you got to swap books with anyone that you chose (or you could keep the one you have). At the end of the time, that is the book you went home with (unless you had your own private swap with someone on the side...).

We ended up with a good variety of favorite books. Some I’ve never had the chance to read so it was great to gather some new suggestions.

At the beginning of 2019, I set a personal goal to read 52 books during the year. And I did it!!!

I’ve written down gems from most of the books I have read here and here and here.

Here are a few more of the books I read and my thoughts.



Here We All Are by Tomie dePaola:

I read this short children’s chapter book years ago and I pulled it out as a reread. When I was reading it, kyler commented that this book is probably the book on our bookshelf that he has read the most times and his favorite childhood book (partly because it is a short read haha). Tomie dePaola is a masterful storyteller and I do love this chapter book as much or more than his wonderful picture books. I need to get the other books in the 26 Fairmount Avenue book series! They are true stories based on his childhood and perfect for young readers or as read alouds.

The Twits and The Enormous Crocodile by Roald Dahl

Outside of James and the Giant Peach, this was my first attempt to read books by Roald Dahl. I see why some kids enjoy him as an author, but these are still probably not books I would choose. My favorite quote from the Twits was this:

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely. 

The Hundred Penny Box by Sharon Bell Mathis

A beautiful story. I'm not sure my memory is good enough even as a 35 year old to remember one thing that has happened every year since I was born! But a lovely story about memories and keepsakes and love and family.

"How do you get to be a hundred years old," Michael asked....
"First you have to have a hundred penny box, " his great great aunt finally said.
"Where you get it from?" Michael asked.
"Somebody special got to give it to you," Aunt Dew said. "And soon as they give it to you, you got to be careful less it disappear."

The Crossover by Kwame Alexander

I really, really love books written in poetry form. This is one of those. Since it's a basketball story my teenage boys love it, too.

In this game of life
your family is the court
and the ball is your heart.
No matter how good you are,
no matter how down you get,
always leave
your heart
on the court.

"...And Ladies of the Club" by Helen Hooven Santmyer

This is a huge book. 1176 pages of small print. It was a pick for book club. Only one of us had actually finished reading the book when we met for book club. I read about 200 pages and lost interest. At one point, I thought I would keep plugging away, but I moved on to other reads.

Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin

I'm still a huge Gretchen Rubin fan. Much of what was in this book were things I have already learned by listening to her podcast. But I find the topic of habits and change fascinating and important so this is a worthwhile read. She teaches that there is not one magical solution for habit change, but that we need to know and understand ourselves and what works for us and then use strategies for habit change accordingly.

Some important keys to habit change are self-knowledge, monitoring, foundation, scheduling, accountability, first steps, clean slate, lightening bolt, abstaining, convenience, inconvenience, pairing, safeguards, distraction, clarity, etc.

When we change our habits, we change our lives. We can use decision making to choose the habits we want to form, we can use willpower to get the habit started; then--and this is the best part--we can allow the extraordinary power of habit to take over. We take our hands off of the wheel of decision, our foot off the gas of willpower, and rely on the cruise control of habits.

The reward for a good habit is the habit itself.


Some more children's lit...

How to Train Your Dragon Books 2 by Cressida Cowell

Kyler told me this series was great when you are a 9 year old boy. Seeing as I'm not.... I'll just take his word. I may still continue on with the series though.

Charlotte's Web by E.B. White

A perfect classic. I loved reading with Layla.

Flora & Ulysses by Kate DiCamillo

cute enough, but not a favorite kid lit.


A few religious books...

Answers to Gospel Questions Vol 1 by Joseph Fielding Smith

Written so long ago. Interesting to read his answers and the questions asked. I did a lot of skimming.

Born to Change the World by Brad Wilcox

Our bishop had Kyler read this before he received his patriarchal blessing. A good read to go back to sometimes.

Making It Through the Middle by Emily Freeman

Do not question too much, dear friend,
For the God who ordained the beginning
Can safely be trusted with the end,
As well as with all that lies between.
~Myrtle Reed

My top five favorite books in this batch of books I read...

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

beautifully written. like absolutely beautifully done. and magical. the most beautiful pieces are too long to be written here.

The finest of pleasures are always the unexpected ones.

Why haven't you asked me how I do my tricks?...I prefer to remain unenlightened, to better appreciate the dark.

It is difficult to see a situation for what it is when you are in the midst of it...It is too familiar. Too comfortable.

By the time he reaches the farm, he is sure that the Bailey he is now is closer to the Bailey he is supposed to be than the Bailey he had been the day before.

It would be so simple to let go.
It would be so much easier to let go.
So much less painful.
She fights against the temptation, against the pain and the chaos. Struggling for control with herself and her surroundings.
She picks a location to focus on, the most familiar place she can think of.
And slowly, agonizingly slowly, she pulls herself safely together.

You're not destined or chosen, I wish I could tell you that you were if that would make it easier, but it's not true. You're in the right place at the right time, and you care enough to do what needs to be done. Sometimes that's enough.

'Someone needs to tell those tales. When the battles are fought and won and lost, when the pirates find their treasures and the dragons eat their foes for breakfast with a nice cup of Lapsong souchong, someone needs to tell their bits of overlapping narrative. There's magic in that. It's in the listener, and for each and every ear it will be different, and it will affect them in ways they can never predict. From the mundane to the profound. You may tell a tale that takes up residence in someone's soul, becomes their blood and self and purpose. That tale will move them and drive them and whoknows what they might do because of it, because of your words. That is your role, your gift. Your sister may be able to see the future, but you yourself can shape it, boy. Do not forget that.' He takes another sip of wine, 'There are many kinds of magic, after all.' 

The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley

a fun, light reread. I love how Flavia sees the world.

...within moments it had taught me that the word iodine comes from a word meaning "violet," and that the name bromine was derived from a Gree word meaning "a stench." These were the sorts of things I needed to know!  

There were times when Harriet was not gone; she was everywhere.

I was about to retort..but then I remembered that silence can sometimes do more damage than words. I bit my tongue.

Simple pleasures are best.

Everything is always a muddle just before it settles in.

Wrapped up in the music, I threw myself into an overstuffed chair and let my legs dangle over the arm, the position in which Nature intended music to be listened to, and for the first time in days I felt the muscles in my neck relaxing.

Counting by 7s by Holly Goldberg Sloan

Unique. Grief. Loss. Change. Belonging. This struck a deep chord for me.

I'm asking you to pay attention in a new way and view it all as being Alive.
With a capital A.

To know me is to know my garden.

It has been my experience that rewarding and heartbreaking often go hand in hand.

The shadows get longer.
I sit on the front steps.
The tears will not stop.
And I almost never cry.
But I'm not myself.
I will forever be someone else now.

Because the women is so strong, you'd think her hug would choke me.
But instead, it's the first time I can get a full breath into my lungs since I heard what happened.

Everyone, I now realize, lives in a world of pain.

He was going to have to learn to be a better observer of all things.
But most especially of his own life.

The Old Me would have read every word of that paperwork. The New Me couldn't care less.

For someone grieving, moving forward is the challenge.

I spend most of  my day with Pattie.
She's there for me.
And just being there is ninety-nine percent of what matters when your world falls apart.

He had made a mistake by ever getting involved with the genius kid.
Because it was a lot easier to do his job and not care about anything.
And now he cared about everything.

And while they complain in lower voices, about one another, they are joined by blood and circumstance and shared experience.

...almost everything that I pursue is for my own understanding or amusement.
I believe having an audience naturally corrupts the performance.

I'm not good with change right now. I can't even yet make a variation in my mile running course.

Dell Duke is not a bad person. He is just bad at being a person.

Connectedness.
One thing leads to another.
Often in unexpected ways.

When you care about other people, it takes the spotlight off of your own drama.

If there is anything I've figure out in the last months it's that you can find labels to organize living things, but you can't put people in any kind of group or order.
It just doesn't work that way.

I'm not brave; it's just that all other choices have been thrown out the window.

I think that at every stage of living, there are 7 people who matter in your world.
They are people who are inside you.
They are people you rely on.
They are people who daily change your life...
I decide that wehn my head begins to pound from now on, I will shut my eyes and count to 7, instead of by 7s.
I see each one of these people like the colors of the rainbow.
They are vivid and distinct.
And they hold a permanent place in my heart.

A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza

I highly recommend this novel about and Indian Muslim's family. Individual stories of past and present are beautifully woven together.

...we don't have to see past the fog to know there are stars.

We did this. We created this. ...What is the use of all of this living if we don't stop once in a while to notice what is actually happening?

She likes thinking of her ancestors as people who had done something with their lives, that her grandfather had been brave to study in England and that her father had been brave to move here, each of them doing what they could so that she and her siblings could now be brave in their lives.

They didn't care how she was affected. Maybe children could never imagine their mother as being anyone other than their mother.

And Layla swelled with love for him, her love born from gratitude.

And nothing compares to the promise of stepping into a classroom knowing she will step out a different person. That she could learn something that would change the way she saw the whole world, and her place in it.

Mumma tried to make the stories about morals but to Amar they were just about what people were willing to do for one another.

Living is interesting enough. Don't make the mistake of confusing a sad state with an interesting life.

She thinks of how they are told that God wants to help His creations, how He says: take one step toward me and I will take ten steps toward you. She is only human, but still, if her brother would only speak to her, be honset with her, she would step a hundred times toward him.

How were they to know the moments that would define them?

Her heart had swelled. How her son was good in a way that she wasn't, in a way that could instruct her. Layla had begun to think lately that there was no real way to quantify the goodness of a person--that religion gave templates and guidelines but there were ways it missed the mark entirely. And everything a momin should be in his heart, Amar was.

He had been cheated out of knowing the best of his father; his father had reserved his kindness for others.

Intentions shrank next to actions.

What if we are meant to look closer?

It was my own self I had to overcome.

It was not that we thought our way was better. It was that we did not know another way. 

On and on he thinks in opposite extremes, until he is not sure who he is or what he wants.

It is as though we live until we become other people entirely, keeping only that same need for hope, for comfort. And how miraculous it is to me that we receive in this world the very things we need from it, how tonight it is another stranger who has stepped forward to play that same part, help me get through this night until morning.

Like Layla, chopping up the apples for the horses. If we, just humans and entirely limited in our thinking, could think to break resources into smaller pieces so our children could feel the joy of scattering slices a little longer, then what generosity was our creator not capable of?

I told myself that there was nothing the human heart could not grow to endure, that the miracle of the human heart is that it expands in its capacity to accept, to love.

Once, Imam Ali had been with his companions when a drunk man staggered by, and a companion had pointed to him and said, look there he goes, the town drukard. But Imam Ali said two things: first, that we must imagine for one another seventy excuses before landing on a single judgement, and also, on that night, he told his companions to refrain from condemning a man, even as he staggered by showing proof of his sin, because they could not know if he would repent when alone, or fathom what existed in his heart.


Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E Frankl

This is one of those great books that can change your life. Frankl says, "We are indebted to the second world war for enriching our knowledge of the 'psychopathology of the masses'...for the war gave us the war of nerves and the concentration camp." And so I think what better way to honor those who experienced such horrific events than to hear their stories and give meaning to their suffering by learning from them and, with gratitude and humility, altering our own lives and our view and attitude towards life for the better?

Fankl talks about surprises on how much we as humans can endure. We think we "could not sleep without this or ... live without that or the other." 
Yes, a man can get used to anything, but do not ask us how.

...it is not the physical pain that hurts the most...; it is the mental agony caused by the injustice, the unreasonableness of it all.

How beautiful the world could be!

Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.

The salvation of man is through love and in love.

The intensification of inner life helped the prisoner find a refuge from the emptiness...as the inner life of the prisoner tended to become more intense, he also experienced the beauty of art and nature as never before.

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living. Yet it is still possible to practice the art of living even in a concentration camp, although suffering is omnipresent. To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative. It also follows that a very trifling thing can cause the greatest of joys.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

But there is also purpose in that life which is almost barren of both creation and enjoyment and which admits of but one possibility of high moral behavior: namely in man's attitude to his existence...not only creativeness and enjoyment are meaningful. If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.

The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, give him ample opportunity--even under the most difficult circumstance--to add a deeper meaning to his life.

Man's inner strength can raise him above his outward fate.

Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it.

'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.' (Nietzsche)

It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us.

Tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.

What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you.

Step for step I progressed, until I again became a human being.

Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Yet one of the main features of human existence is the capacity to rise above such conditions, to grow beyond them. Man is capable of changing the world for the better if possible, and of changing himself for the better if necessary.

We watched and witnessed some of our comrades behave like swine while others behaved like saints. Man has both potentialities within himself; which one is actualized depends on decisions but not on conditions.

Frankl wondered whether 'there may be such a thing as autobibliotherapy--healing through reading.' 

what I've been reading lately, part 2

I hope next time I don't wait until I have months of reading and a big stack of books before I sit down here to remember my favorite parts of each of the books. (I'm learning my lesson today.) But I do like to take time to do this because books have such an influence on me and recording my favorite gems from each of them helps me to remember and appreciate. And I just think it's really fun...I'm a book nerd in that way.

My favorite book that I have read so far out of the 27 books I have read this year:

Cry, the Beloved Country by Alan Paton

Beautiful. And powerful. I don't think I would've really appreciated it if I had read it in high school, but life's experiences and the beauty of his writing and now this book has become a new all time favorite of mine.

"I am not kind. I am a selfish and sinful man, but God put his hand on me, that is all."

Chapter 9

"But there is only one thing that has power completely, and that is love. Because when a man loves, he seeks no power, and therefore he has power."

"Who indeed knows the secret of the earthly pilgrimage? Who indeed knows why there can be comfort in a world of desolation? Now God be thanked that there is a beloved one who can lift up the heart in suffering, that one can play with a child in the face of such misery. ..."

"For a moment he was caught up in a vision, as man so often is when he sits in a place of ashes and destruction."

"My friend, your anxiety turned to fear, and your fear turned to sorrow. But sorrow is better than fear. For fear impoverishes always, while sorrow may enrich."

"It seems that God has turned from me, he said.
That may seem to happen, said Father Vincent. But it does not happen, never, never does it happen."

"Something deep is touched here, something that is good and deep. Although it comes with tears, it is like comfort in such desolation."

"But I have learned that kindness and love can pay for pain and suffering."

"Kumalo began to pray regularly in his church for the restoration of Ndotsheni. But he knew that was not enough. Somewhere down here upon the earth men must come together, think something, do something."

"But all this was not done by magic. There have been meetings, and much silence, and much sullenness."

The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd

If I had to pick a second favorite book so far this year, this would be it. I love reading historical fiction and this one was well done. At the end of the book there is a quote by Professor Julius Lester that  sums up well why I think it is so important to read books like this: " History is not just facts and events. History is also a pain in the heart and we repeat history until we are able to make another's pain in the heart our own." We are reading this one for a book club this month and i'm looking forward to the discussion.

"If you must err, do so on the side of audacity."

"You do your rebellions any way you can."

"Mauma's legs would walk again same as ever, but she never was the same inside. After that day, it seemed part of her was always back there waiting for the strap to be loosed."

"The sorry truth is you can walk your feet to blisters, walk til kingdom-come, and you will never outpace your grief."

"He said that was the coward's way, pining for life in the hereafter, acting like this one didn't mean a thing."

"Be careful, you can get enslaved twice, once in your body and once in your mind."

"...Is it so wrong to write a letter?...Is it so wrong to put feet to our prayers?"

"She used to say you got to figure out which end of the needle you're gon be, the one that's fastened to the thread or the end that pierces the cloth."

Silent Souls Weeping: Depression--Sharing Stories, Finding Hope By Jane Clayson Johnson

I listened to this one, but I skipped over some of the chapters. But I think everyone should read this book, especially church members. Mental health needs to be addressed and understood and not feared or shamed. I have people really close to me who suffer from depression and anxiety. It's hard to know what to do or say. This book is helpful. It also spoke to me because it brought some light into ways that cancer has affected my own mental health.

New and Selected Poems, Volume One by Mary Oliver

Mary Oliver makes me like poetry. A lot. I could share poem after poem with you. But, Today, just one.

"When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world."

Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline

This was a skim read because I've learned the concepts of this book through trainings, conversations, and other parenting books. It wasn't new information for me, but it is a really great parenting book.

The Winter Sea by Susanna Kearsley

This was a book club book. And not my favorite one. It was interesting in the fact that the main character was an author so there was a book inside a book. I couldn't get into it though and had to make myself finish it--I think it was just partly dry with history, partly unbelievable about how she was writing it, and partly too much love story for me. But everyone else seemed to really like it so don't take my word on it.

King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table by Roger Lancelyn Green

I was excited to read these stories. But I think Merlin the tv show messed that up for me. This book was not like Merlin. Haha. I had a hard time focusing on these stories so I abandoned the book. And I decided if I ever start watching TV again I will go back and rewatch Merlin.

The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister

This book has been sitting out waiting for me to pick it up for years. Years, I tell you. Why I waited so long, I am not sure. And I wish I hadn't. I felt the writing was a little bit roundabout and repetitive, but there were many important things to think about so I still think it is essential for everyone to read. It was a good jump start for me on a personal study of the atonement.

"One does not speak lightly of the Atonement or casually express his appreciation. It is the most sacred and sublime event in eternity. It deserves our most intense thoughts, our most profound feelings, and our noblest deeds. One speaks of it in reverential tones; one contemplates it in awe; one learns of it in solemnity. This event stands alone, now and throughout eternity."

what I've been reading lately, part 1

What I've been reading lately:

My reading pace definitely slowed down over the summer (and really towards the busy time at the end of school, too), but I'm excited to see my schedule clearing up a bit and I can make more time to read again as school is back in session.

Little Women:

I know I watched the movie as a little girl, but I don't remember ever finishing this book until this year. There were many things I loved about it. But I actually really don't agree with who ends up with who. Just sayin.'

"What a pleasant life she might have if she only chose! I don't envy her much, in spite of her money, for after all rich people have about as many worries as poor ones, I think."

"If I don't seem to need help, it is because I have a better friend, even than Father, to comfort and sustain me. My child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning and may be many, but you can overcome and outlive them all if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one. The more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom. His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength. Believe this heartily and go to God with all your little care, and hopes, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother."

"Then let me advise you to take up your little burdens again, for though they seem heavy sometimes, they are good for us, and lighten as we learn to carry them. Work is wholesome, and there is plenty for everyone; it keeps us from ennui and mischief, is good for health and spirits, and gives us a sense of power and independence better than money or fashion."

"She preferred imaginary heroes to real ones, because when tired of them, the former could be shut up in the tin in the kitchen till called for, and the later were less manageable."

"But someone did come and help her, though Jo did not recognize her good angels at once because they wore familiar shapes and used the simple spells best fitted to poor humanity."

In the Heart of the World: Thoughts, Stories, and Prayers of Mother Teresa

I really enjoyed this short, little book. It was the first ive read anything more than a simple quote by Mother Teresa. I am curious to read more about her life one day, but this was a good place to start.

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not come. We have only today. Let us begin."

"And the best way to show your gratitude is to accept everything with joy."

"We may not be able to give much, but we can always give the joy that springs from a heart that is filled with love."

"There are many people who can do big things, but there are very few people who will do the small things."

"I think a smile generates a smile, just as love generates love."

"There are poor people everywhere, but the deepest poverty is not being loved."

"I know it is impossible to relieve the world's suffering unless God's people are willing to surrender to God, to make sacrifices, and to suffer along with the poor."

How Will You Measure Your Life? by Clayton M. Christensen

I will admit I did more skimming than reading. The book was fine. The good principles are there. It just wasn't one that pulled me in or changed my life.

"With every moment of your time, every decision about how you spend your energy and your money, you are making a statement about what really matters to you."

"In sacrificing for something worthwhile, you deeply strengthen your commitment to it."

"Instead, most of us will face a series of small, everyday decisions that rarely seem like they have high stakes attached. But over time, they can play out far more dramatically."

The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

So different from the movie! And from the play "Wicked." But it was a nice read.

"No matter how dreary and grey our homes are, we people of flesh and blood would rather live there than in any other country, be it ever so beautiful. There is no place like home."

"I shall take the heart, returned the Tin Man, for brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world."

"But that doesn't make me any braver, and as long as I know myself to be a coward I shall be unhappy."

"All you need is confidence in yourself. There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. True courage is in facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in plenty."

"The Wicked Witch was both surprised and worried when she saw the mark on Dorothy's forehead...and seeing the silver shoes began to tremble with fear, for she knew what a powerful charm belonged to them... but she happened to look into the child's eyes and saw how simple the soul behind them was, and the little girl did not know of the wonderful power the Silver Shoes gave her. So the Wicked Witch laughed to herself and thought, 'I can still make her my slave, for she does not know how to use her power.'"

The Wednesday Wars by Gary D. Schmidt

I mostly feel neutral about this kid lit book--I didn't necessarily like it, but I didn't dislike it either. I walked away with two unexpected takeaways though. First, how to run better. It was a teeny tiny part of the book, but I had just started running for exercise when I read this so when she coached him to lean forward, hands loose, arms in, etc. I took it to heart and it made a big difference in my own running. Ha! Second, it made Shakespeare sound enjoyable and something that I might desire to read one day, without an english teacher forcing me to.

"You can't really say a lot if the whole time you're wondering if everyone else is thinking about the thing you're not supposed to be thinking about , because you are afraid the thing you are not supposed to be thinking about is going to harrow you with fear and wonder. Or something like that."

"Maybe that's why he dressed in black all the time. Maybe it's why he was never happy. Maybe he looked in the wrong places trying to find himself. Or maybe he never had someone tell him that he didn't need to find himself. He just needed to let himself be found."

"And it really doesn't matter if we're under our desks with our hands over our heads or not, does it?' 
'No,' said Mrs Baker. 'It really doesn't matter.'
'So why are we practicing?'
She thought for a minute. 'Because it gives comfort..People like to think that if they're prepared, then nothing bad can really happen. And perheaps we practice because we feel as if there's nothing else we can do, because sometimes it feels as if life is governed by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

Sophia's War by Avi

This is another kid lit book I'm pretty nuetral about. It was interesting to read a book from this perspective during the revolutionary war. But that's all I've got to say.

"I have learned that heart and eyes are one. That's to say, one can see a thing, but when one is linked to it, the seeing is different."

"Oh, Desperation, your other name is Deception."

"In truth, it was midsummer madness garbed in bits of bravery. But then, as someone said, All beginnings have wings of vanity." 

"For I knew two things: that I had caused his hanging death and that I adored him."

Our Town by Thornton Wilder

I never have seen this play, but if I ever get the chance to I now know to jump on it. So simple yet so profound.

"And even in Greece and Rome all we know about the real life of the people is what we can piece together out of the joking poems and the comedies they wrote for the theatre back then."

"So I took the opposite of my father's advice and I've been happy ever since."

"They'll have a lot of troubles, I suppose, but that's none of our business. Everybody has a right to their own troubles.
Yes...people are meant to go through life two by two. 'Tain't natural to be lonesome."

"Wherever you come near the human race, there's layers and layers of nonsense."

"I'd forgotten all about that. My, wasn't life awful--
with a sigh.
and wonderful."

"Good-by, Good-by world. Good-by, Grover's Corners...Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking...and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths...and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you.
Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?--every, every minute?"

"yes, now you know. Now you know! That's what it was to be alive. To move about in a cloud of ignorance, to go up and down trampling on the feelings of those...of those about you. To spend and waste time as though you had a million years. To be always at the mercy of one self-centered passion, or another. Now you know--that's the happy existence you wanted to go back to. Ignorance and blindness."

what I’ve been reading

I'm so excited to be reading more this year. I love books!

In order to make sure I stay on top of my goal of 52 books this year, I pulled a bunch of books I've been wanting to read off of our book shelf and put them in a pile next to my bed. That way I never have to take time to figure out what to read next. I can just grab the next book from one of my choices. I have a good mix of nonfiction, fiction, and children's lit so on the weeks I need something lighter or heavier I can pick what I feel like. I also got a kindle for christmas and I love that it gives me another option to make reading easier and accessible. Though I still prefer a copy of a book in my hands, I can easily fold laundry while I read with my kindle. I've been reading more books with Layla now. And when we go to goodwill every couple of weeks on half off day to get Perry new shirts (he is chewing through all of his shirts right now) I always spend some time browsing the books and walk away with some good ones. Book club each month also keeps me reading. It's been wonderful!

I was able to read 12 books in January and February (most of them are pictured above, but not all of them).

Before We Were Yours: I do love historical fiction. And this is a good one. I had never even heard about this part of history before I read this book. It is sometimes hard to read, but man these stories need to be told.

Felicity: an American Girl- I read this with Layla. It brought back happy reading memories from when I was younger. Especially because this was my own childhood copy.

Of Mice and Men: This was the first time I read this book. I skipped and skimmed a little. I kind of wish I didn't read it, but I think it's a story that will stick with me. So maybe the author achieved his goal.

A Town Like Alice: We read this one for book club and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. It was a loosely based historical fiction and a really great read.

Sometimes You win--Sometimes You Learn for Teens: How to Turn a Loss into a Win- I like the principles and the ideas of the book, but it was pretty dry. Especially being geared towards teens. I'm pretty sure my teens would zone out and fall asleep. But there were a few good stories and lessons and it's worth it to talk about the ideas of the book.

"Sometimes you will win. Sometimes you will lose. But every time you will have the opportunity to ask yourself, "What did I learn?" If you always have an answer to that question, then you will go far. And you will enjoy the journey."

No Ordinary Women: Elaine Dalton is one of my heroes. This was a quick, but great inspirational read.

"It is an interesting thing that as human beings, we seek comfort zones. Based on everything I read in the scriptures, I don't think the Lord likes us to be in a comfort zone. He repeatedly takes his choices disciples out of their comfort zones and challenges them by their circumstances, their trials, and their opportunities to become more and to do more." 

Peter Pan: I loved reading this classic for the first time. And knowing a little background about the author helped add so much more meaning to the story.

Thursdays with Zoe: I think there could have been a more fitting title, but I loved so many of these stories. Zoe was a sweet, incredible person, yet completely relatable. The stories inspired me as a mom and a person and helped me think about how I want to live my life.

"Oh! That's my LAY-deeeeee!"

"One thing that helps my perspective is to remember that the 'things' in our lives pale in comparison to the Real Power. You see, there is no possession in the world--not the biggest house, not the fastest car, not the most extravagant outfit--that can bring tears to my eyes just by thinking about it."

"You must remember that the only thing that matters is what the Lord thinks of you. Is the Lord pleased with you, April?"


How to Train Your Dragon: This was book club pick. I read it to Layla. Though, she didn't listen most of the time. It was a fun book. Not too deep. I've never seen the movies, but I think I will finish the series sometime before watching them.

"It is a lot easier to be brave when you know you have no alternative."

"I have helped the problems of many a Supper. Sometimes meeting a Really Big Problem like myself seems to put everything else in proportion."

My Father's Dragon: a classic a used to read out loud to my first graders when I was teaching. I read it to my own first grader this time.

L. Tom Perry, an Uncommon Life: Years of Preparation: I was excited to read this book because Perry's name was somewhat influenced by this great man. However, I had a hard time getting into the book and I don't think it dove in to L. Tom Perry's life much deeper than what I already learned about him from reading his conference talks. There was a lot of background about his family, but that didn't interest me too much. I'm sure if I were related to him that would've been more valuable though.

"...whatever any of us give up in service to the Lord is returned to us a hundredfold."

The Glass Castle: This book sums up why I want to keep being a foster parent. Her story stays with you. It is shocking and so important that it is told. and I think it is a testament of how complicated life can be. Life isn't always black and white. Even crazy people have some good. And while people can rise up from circumstances, and it is incredible that she does, so many people do not and carry on the cycle.

"Years from no, when all the junk they got is broken and long forgotten,' Dad said, 'you'll still have your stars."

"No child is born a delinquent,' Mom said, They only become that way, she went on, if nobody loved them when they were kids. Unloved children grow up to become serial murderers or alcoholics. mom looked pointedly at dad and then back at me. She told me I should try to be nicer to Billy. 'He doesn't have all the advantages you kids do,' she said."

"It's the Joshua tree's struggle that gives it its beauty."

"Everyone has something good about them,' she said. 'You have to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.'
'Oh yeah?' I said. 'How about Hitler? What was his redeeming quality?'
'Hitler loved dogs,' Mom said without hesitation."

"I think that maybe sometimes people get the lives they want."

"It's sort of the city's fault,' Mom told me. 'They make it too easy to be homeless. If it was really unbearable, we'd do something different."

"Never did build that Glass Castle.
No. But we had fun planning it."



Happy reading!

book: hillbilly elegy

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I was reading this book, "Hillbilly elegy: a memoir of a family and culture in crisis".

 

Well, Layla and Perry slept in this morning and instead of attacking that pile of papers I had every intention to go through, I chose to read all morning. I finished the book and I just wanted to write down a few things about it. Though, I know I am not very eloquent nor I do have much time right now to explain my thoughts clearly.

The book is filled with strong language and some parts are hard to read, but it is very real. It is one man's story. Like he says, his story really is not unique and he isn't claiming to be an expert or to speak for everyone. But that's why I appreciated this book. I do feel it was authentic. It gave a voice and a face to stories that I think so many of us are actually oblivious to (sometimes by choice and sometimes unintentionally).

I think it struck a chord with me so much because of my experience with foster care. I have heard stories similar to his from real people during my hours and hours of foster care training. Those stories were life-changing for me. And one of the reasons I feel the call to be a foster parent.

I guess it also just reminded me of all the experiences we had when we were foster parents in WA. I already know my perspective from those experiences so I appreciate reading this perspective from the "other side", if you will..

And then the whole time I read this particular book I kept thinking of someone in particular. Someone I have much love and concern for--the biological mom of two of our children. She was a child from this area of Appalachia. And while I don't know all the details of her childhood, I think this book gave me a little glimpse and a little bit of understanding about how her life maybe could be. I certainly don't know for sure. But I can imagine.

I had a lot of take-aways from this book. The power just one person or example can have on someone else. The need for constants in our life. The influence of culture. Choices do matter. The importance of both hope and taking the right actions. The importance and power of strong families and religion (the author does make a quick reference to mormons and Utah in relation to this. its just always nice to hear your religion mentioned in a positive way, you know?). As well as, forgiveness, love, and moving forward.

Overall, I did think it was a powerful and important read. And they are already making a movie out of it so there you go.  

book: the happiness project

This was a book I started for book club way back in October. I finally finished it a few weeks ago.

I just wanted to record one thing that really resonated with me about being happy. One of her "rules to live by" was to "Be Gretchen"--to be herself. I think that's a lesson we all have to figure out on our own in life. And the sooner we do, the better. I just think I spent too much time in high school and in my 20s worrying about other people and what they thought--what was cool, what was "in", what activities to join, how I appeared to other people, was I liked, and generally comparing myself to others. I'm quite certain that is one hundred percent natural and most of us do it. And in many ways it serves us to think about this and helps us navigate social situations and make friends.

But when I want to be more deliberate about my own happiness I think it can be summed up to "be yourself". To stretch ourselves and improve ourselves. But to do it in our own way. On our own path.

For example, I really love reading. But I don't have to pretend I love reading some highly intellectual or award winning books when what I really love to read is children's lit and the classics. And notebooks and pens make me really, really happy. And I hate playing team sports but I love yoga. And I enjoy a nice long walk, but running long distances just doesn't do it for me. Or I used to try to hide it that I do not like chocolate. But really I just don't like it.

Just stuff like that. And it's just better to embrace it. To figure it out and embrace it.

I love this quote by CS Lewis. "When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret, and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am 50 I read them openly. When I became a man, I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

It's important to acknowledge what we enjoy, not what we wish we enjoyed. And not hold ourelves to someone else's standard.

In the book, there is also a quote by Michel de Montaigne that says, "The least strained and the most natural ways of the soul are the most beautiful; the best occupations are the least forced."

That makes me think that creating more happiness in our lives means taking our ordinary days and fitting in the things we naturally love. Being deliberate.

Sure it also means stretching ourselves and pushing ourselves out of our content little boxes.

Like William Butler Yeats said, "Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing."

But that stretching and that growth looks different for everyone. We just need to be doing something.

To quote Benjamin Franklin, "On the whole, though I never arrived at the perfection I had been so ambitious about obtaining, but fell far short of it, yet as I was, by the endeavor, a better and happier man than I otherwise should have been had I not attempted it."

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Just a few days ago, my general conference talk reading was of the address given by President Russell M. Nelson entitled "Joy and Spiritual Survival".  I thought that was very timely that I came to it next since I had just started writing my thoughts down here on this post about the Happiness Project book.

Now I still think the Happiness Project book is a great book and gets you thinking about some specifics and habits in your own life. But I also think how pretty spectacular that a prophet of God can write a pretty short article about joy--something even greater, and deeper than happiness-- and remind me of this simple yet profound truth and my spirit is touched and my mind is enlightened and the truth of it just resonates deeply through me. Happiness can be fleeting, but joy is powerful and we can feel it even when we are experiencing challenges and or bad days.

What I would add to the Happiness Project book, if I could do that little thing of adding to books myself, is this said by President Nelson:
"My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.

When the focus of our lives is on God’s plan of salvation, which President Thomas S. Monson just taught us, and Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in our lives. Joy comes from and because of Him. He is the source of all joy. We feel it at Christmastime when we sing, “Joy to the world, the Lord is come.”9 And we can feel it all year round. For Latter-day Saints, Jesus Christ is joy!....

Joy is powerful, and focusing on joy brings God’s power into our lives.  ...

If we look to the world and follow its formulas for happiness,27 we will never know joy. The unrighteous may experience any number of emotions and sensations, but they will never experience joy!28 Joy is a gift for the faithful.29It is the gift that comes from intentionally trying to live a righteous life, as taught by Jesus Christ.30

He taught us how to have joy. When we choose Heavenly Father to be our God31 and when we can feel the Savior’s Atonement working in our lives, we will be filled with joy.32 Every time we nurture our spouse and guide our children, every time we forgive someone or ask for forgiveness, we can feel joy. 

Every day that you and I choose to live celestial laws, every day that we keep our covenants and help others to do the same, joy will be ours."

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I want to be happy. I want to feel that deep joy. So my own happiness project is simple right now. It includes making sure I am taking time to study (gospel and other topics) each day (with my notebooks and pens!). I will be dancing in the living room with my family more. And I am making a really big effort to meet new people and participate in groups that do things I love, like book clubs and yoga at the church. And mostly, as President Nelson invites us to do, I want to do things that help make the Savior and his atonement even more real to me.