cousins in town

My cousin Aly and her kids were in town for the weekend and we loved getting together with them a few times. (I know we took better pictures than this first one, but I think they are on my aunts phone...)

One night at Jacqui’s house, the kids put on a performance for us on the gymnastics bar.

This was also a favorite activity that night. They love these ride on toys! And Jacqui has the perfect hallway to zoom down.

We also spent a morning at the zoo with cousins.

I’m so glad we were able to spend time with cousins while they were here. Perry loved talking to me about the “new cousins” and Layla had a blast playing with the boys. Our babies are just a week apart so that was wonderful, too. We just love their family.

two wheels

Look who is on two wheels now! We tried really hard to teach her to ride her bike without training wheels last year, but she was psyching herself out too much. And then this week she surprised us all and she did it! She went outside when our cousins were here.  Our neighbor was out learning to ride her bike. Seeing a friend learning, too, helped her feel better and she quickly caught on and started riding on her own. She now tells us that she loves her bike and begs to go out to ride every day after school. We are so proud of her!

gratitude 2018

On Tuesday night we were all in the car on our way to the Zoolights. We went around the car and each took a turn saying as many things we are grateful for as we could in ten seconds. Then we went around again trying to beat the number we had said the first time. I loved hearing that we are all grateful first and foremost for each other and then, also, for “spicy juice”, friends, french fries, the scriptures, grandma, grandpa, our pool, ketchup, clothes, and more. Even Perry played and I was especially grateful to be doing an activity that everyone in the family was participating in (kind of rare around here).

I personally have so much to be thankful for this year. My heart is so full. Here are my 18 in 2018 (in no particular order).

I am grateful...

1. to be alive. To be breathing and seeing and thinking and hearing and feeling. That my body is functioning well.

2. for the scriptures and good books. My study time each day is probably my favorite time of the day. 

3. for podcasts. I love listening to podcasts like “happier with Gretchen Rubin”, and “Better than Happy” and a few others I’ve tried here and there. 

4. for a living prophet who is leading our church, guiding us, and who is not afraid to challenge us and make changes that will bring us closer to Christ.

5. for nice weather (finally!). I love that we can be outside walking, riding bikes, and playing at the park again. 

6. for good people that surround and bless me with their friendship, examples, support, love, and kindness. 

7. for pretty flowers in a vase on my table. 

8. for super hot showers at night.

9. for good doctors, physical therapists, and modern medicine. And that I am almost done with my cancer treatments.

10. for escape rooms, board games, and sudoku.

11. for laughter. Especially deep belly laughs.

12. for conversations with my teenagers, snuggles with my baby, something in between with my middle kids

13. for hair. And that my hair is starting to slowly grow back.

14. for comfy pillows and blankets. And a nice big bed.

15. for enough. We have always been blessed with enough of everything, and more.

16. for music, dance, and art. To experience and to create.

17. for travel and for vacations. Including the anticipation.

18. for Eric. my love, my best friend, my teacher, my rock, my everything.

puzzle obsessed

For the last few months, there has always been a puzzle in the works on this table. I think it's been a great form of stress relief for Eric. Sometimes the kids and I help out, but mostly it is E putting the pieces together. I think he is in the middle of puzzle number eight in the last six months. We've framed and hung a few of the puzzles up on the walls in the kids rooms (the kids helped out with those). We've also thought about hanging some of the bigger ones out in the garage for fun. I think I'm going to have to find some cool new puzzles for Christmas this year.

Brinna Bug

Little Brinny Lou is growing up way too quickly. She is looking more and more like a toddler.

She has two favorite cabinets to play in while we are in the kitchen. One contains her tub of bottles. She takes out all the pieces of the bottles and tries to put them together. But I think her most favorite is the cupboard where Layla hides her candy. Brinna has quickly learned how to open zip lock bags and find the tootsie rolls.

Caught!

There is something so incredible about watching each of the older children develop a special relationship with Brinna. She gets so excited to see them when they come home from school. She really adores all of her older siblings. And I think brings out the best in the them—love, patience, fun, and gentleness. I found this selfie on my phone.

the relief society

“Oh how we need each other!” —Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I am so blessed to be a member of the Relief Society of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Women need women. We each go through different experiences in life. We go through hard experiences and beautiful experiences. Within the relief society, we can lift, nurture, teach, carry, celebrate, and encourage each other. We are assigned individuals to minister to specifically. It is a beautiful and inspired program. 

I love learning from a variety of women on Sunday during lessons and discussions. I love hearing others bear their testimonies and share their experiences. I love the older women and their wisdom. I love the friendships I’ve developed through ministering.

I’ve been in many different wards directed by many different Relief Society presidents. My testimony of relief society has been strengthened in each one. 

But sometimes I have sat in those rooms surrounded by women and felt completely alone. And sometimes people have made comments that I thought were completely ridiculous. And, like last week at our dinner, sometimes someone does not know my name or who I am even though I’ve been in the ward for over two years and taught her daughter in primary for almost a year. Things are not always perfect!!

President Nelson challenged us to fully participate in relief society. That got me thinking about how grateful I am to be a part of it. And I truly am. Also, how can I make sure that I am fully participating in the relief  society and helping to fulfill the purpose of the organization? When I first heard the challenge I wasn’t sure there was much more I could do to participate, but now that I think about it there is quite a bit I could improve on.

The purpose of the relief society is to increase faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and His atonement, to strengthen individuals, families and homes through ordinances and covenants, and to unite to help those in need. What stood out to me about that is Christ, covenants, unity, and service. Within Relief Society we can help each other draw closer to Christ through example and conversation. Activities and discussions should be more Christ-centered. We can take our covenants seriously and attend the temple more regularly. We should become more united as sisters as we compare less and instead strengthen and get to know each other more as we serve together to help each other and those around us. 

More specifically, I think I can come more prepared for discussions when we meet on sundays, just like I would come prepared for book clubs or article group. Why do I treat showing up in relief society on Sunday at church any different than how I would treat attending an event or meeting outside of church? The lesson material is always available ahead of time and if I study it then I can be ready to both listen and share during the discussions. I’m certain I would get even more out of it if I was more purposeful and treated it differently than I do. 

I know I can also do better at supporting my sisters in relief society. I can notice them, introduce myself, talk with them, offer grace instead of judgement, and show more love. I can minister to those who I am assigned to, and also to those who I am not.

I can attend meetings with more gratitude for those who have prepared them. I can show up, participate, and offer support and appreciation. 

There are so many opportunities to participate fully in relief society. I am so thrilled that I get to do just that. 

our anniversary

We went on a long morning walk, cleaned the kitchen together, and went out to eat lunch. He took me to buy fake eyelashes (which resulted in us missing getting the kids off the bus.). 

I think it’s in the simple things that we do together that I find I love him more. 

Fifteen years with him by side. We have had some grand adventures and some awful heartbreaks and trials, but mostly we just have ordinary days. 

I’m so glad I married a man so forgiving and hard working, so selfless and kind, so fun and intelligent. 

And I’m glad that we are both willing to keep working on our marriage and learning together as we go through this life.

Here we were 15 years ago.

Chemo 8. The end!

I remember so vividly after my first chemo thinking that I could never, ever get through 7 more rounds. I wanted to give up right then and there. It was miserable and I didn’t know how I could go through it again and again for four more months. 

Somehow, through faith and prayers and encouragement and support and priesthood blessings, I did it!! Eight rounds of chemo therapy DONE!

On my last day of chemo, we walked outside to balloons scattered over our yard, tied to our truck, and this sign hanging from our garage. I don’t know which sweet friend did it, but it was the happiest surprise!

Kacin and Kyler both came with us to my last chemo. I’m so grateful for that support from my kids (and of course, Eric who has not left my side through any of this!).

I received my last infusion without any hiccups. 

I was so looking forward to ringing the bell at the end of my treatment. I saw a lady do it last time I was there when she finished her treatments. However, the nurses forgot the bell. I contained my disappointment and it was all good when they brought over plastic hand clappers for a short celebration and handed me my certificate. 

I’m quite certain the certificate should have read “for dramatically crying like a baby throughout all my treatments, but finishing anyways” instead of “courageously completing.”

When I got home, my friend brought me this perfect pink gift to celebrate my last treatment. 

I am so happy to be done with chemo, but a part of me isn’t sure it is real yet. I feel like I can’t fully celebrate yet and let myself be thrilled until I get through the awful side effects that I know this week will bring. But it does feel so good to know that I am at the end. I only pray that cancer will never return because I don’t ever want to do all that again. 

In a few weeks, I will have another CT scan and meet with my oncologist again. I have appointments scheduled to get started on radiation. And I need to schedule an appointment to get my port out. We are getting closer and closer to the end!

taking care of myself during cancer

When I was first diagnosed with cancer and I had to go in for my second biopsy, I sat down with a nurse and the radiologist afterwards. They were very aware of my overwhelm about my cancer diagnosis (my tears and anxiety were a pretty dead giveaway). They were wonderful and patient and supportive. They explained all sorts of resources and groups and how helpful it might be for me to reach out to other women, young moms my age, for some support. I’m certain I had heard this before from other doctors, but the sweet radiologist urged me to focus on getting myself better and taking time for me right now. A big part of me wanted to roll my eyes at her, just like I felt like doing when I heard that before, and yell "But do you realize I have FIVE kids--a son with special needs, teenagers, and young baby we are fostering and hoping to adopt soon?! How in the heck do you think I am going to focus on myself right now??" However, it was the first time that I also knew in many ways there was truth to that. I felt a whispering that yes, in order to be here healthy and happy for my kids next year, in 5 years, in 20 years, I needed to make sure I was allowing myself to focus on my health--on getting better. That this would be a period in my life I would have to learn to tame the mom guilt and think carefully about what I needed for my own mental and physical health.

A buzz phrase right now is “self love.” You hear it everywhere. And it drives me nuts a little. Because I think people sometimes use it as an excuse to rationalize selfishness,  self-centeredness, and pride. Because the best things in life also take a huge amount of sacrifice, humility, and selflessness! And I think it is so important that we don’t forgot that! It’s ok to live a hard life and make sacrifices for others and the greater good. God can use us for good and that brings great, deep joy.

But I do think it is important to find a balance between taking care of yourself and sacrificing to your complete destruction. It’s ok to say no to someone. And it’s ok to say yes even though you’re not sure you want to. It’s ok to miss one baseball game out of ten and go to a girls night. It’s ok to miss a baby shower because you need to be at your sons concert. It’s ok to leave your house a mess and take your kids to the park and the library. And it’s ok to skip the living room fort building and clean and scrub and make everyone do chores all morning. I think we just have to find the balance that works for us. We can’t always say yes and we can’t always so no when it’s not appealing. Sure, we can think about what “serves” us, but we can also do something that we don’t want to do because it serves someone else. I think everyone needs to think and pray about the balance that is right for them. Sacrifice truly brings forth the blessings of heaven! I have seen that in my life. But not if we are in the hospital for a nervous breakdown or seeking escape through addictions...

So I knew that cancer would be a time in my life that I would often have to put myself first. In order to heal physically and to cope emotionally, I knew I would have to ask for help, accept help, stay in tune with my mental state, and not be afraid to speak up about what I need or couldn’t do. Which means that Eric has had to step up and fulfill a lot of roles around the house and with the children that I used to do (lunches, and bedtime routines, etc). Because sometimes I need my sleep or I just need time by myself. Eric is amazing. My kids are so lucky to have such a special father and I am grateful that they can bond with each other even more right now. (Though I definitely think that Eric will be ready for a vacation by himself when my cancer treatments are over! Haha).

I also have a new motto “Accept help.” When someone offers to help, I graciously accept. I used to be quick to say no, but now I try to think about what would be helpful and I let them know. It is a new way of living for me, but I know I couldn’t get through this time without accepting help. Many hands make light work. And I think you develop a stronger connection with someone when you allow them to help you.

We hired a house cleaner. Holy moly, that is a life saver right now. I’m grateful that we were able to work out our budget to make that happen because knowing that someone is coming to scrub the bathrooms frees up my time and limited energy to focus on the laundry, picking up, spending time with my family, and resting. 

I make it a priority to get out with friends for lunch, yoga, play dates, and date nights. Staying social has truly helped me get through this. It means that sometimes my house is messy or Eric puts the kids to bed one night and then I do the same when he goes out another night. But friendships have helped me get through this time.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed on my bad days, I let Eric know that I need a break or I can’t handle it right then. I have to remind myself that today I might feel this way, but in a few days I will feel better. And I always do. So I don’t feel guilty (try not to feel guilty) when I know I need time for myself. Everyone will be ok. 

I set simple goals for myself each day. I listened to a podcast by Brooke Snow and she said each day her goal is to “move her body and move her soul”. I love that. I can interpret that in so many flexible ways each day—walking, exercise, dancing, studying, serving, reading, wondering. But when I take that time for myself each day to “move my body and move my soul” I am so much happier. I, also, made a list of my top ten things I need to do each day to feel like I accomplish things and to take care of myself. I actually then turned that list into a chart. I wrote each thing on a mini sticky note and when I do it I move it from one side to the next (I don’t do the chart every day, but it hangs as a reminder and I use it when I need extra motivation). My ten things are movement (yoga, exercise, walk), sincere, specific prayers, clean/organize, study scriptures, meals for my family, connect with others, serve (my family, calling or others), writing, rest (nap, reading, show), and a hot shower. These ten things are flexible, simple, and make me feel good and happy when I do them each day. I like having a balance between goals to take care of myself and accomplishing things for myself and others (albeit simple things). 

I have a whole slew of simple things I do at different times to help me handle everything going on. I journal, listen to music, go on walks, and have long talks with Eric about life. I focus on what I am learning. I reach out to others when I can. I eat out more. I listen to podcasts and watch shows. 

I know this post isn’t very polished (I’m totally chemo brained from my last chemo today!). Maybe when my mind is clear next week I will do some editing (or wonder why I wrote all this! Ha!). But I think it’s imprtant to understand that sometimes in our lives, like cancer, we need to take a little extra care for ourselves. Hopefully, by doing so I am allowing myself to heal properly and cope with all of this crazy all consuming cancer stuff. But I think we also need to always be thinking about and finding the balance between self-care and sacrifice. 

Chemo 6 and 7

I was the luckiest to have Kyler with me for chemo infusion number 6. He is such a wonderful son and I was so grateful for his support and love and to have him by my side.

When I had the chemo Taxol, I broke out in a rash. So we had to switch to a different drug, Taxotere for my next treatment. My oncologist explained that Taxotere is similar to Taxol. But it has been connected to permanent hair loss. Yep, there would be a slight chance (my dr has had one patient in 12 years) that my hair would be gone forever. That would be an awful side effect! But we agreed to try this new chemo. 

This teenager makes me so happy.



Kyler kept me entertained during my infusion. Well, until the benedryl knocked me out and I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.



The Taxotere side effects were similar to Taxol. I had some joint/bone pain. It wasn't as unbearable as my first Taxol had been, but it was pretty crummy. Day 2 I was actually doing ok. Which was a blessing because Eric got sick that day. But day 3-5 were absolutely awful. It got a little better each day after that. By day 9, I was ok enough that we went out to dinner with friends.

We gave my wig a washing. If you wear your wig every day for 30 days, you need to wash it. I hardly ever wear mine these days. Comfort wins out most days around here. But it was due for a cleaning.







I just got through chemo number 7. You know, I think chemo numbers 6 and 7 were physically rough (chemo 7 took even longer for the nausea to go away), but even more than that they were mentally and emotionally hard because I'm just so worn out from all of this. And it is super draining to be doing chemo every two weeks. The times that I had an extra week in between were so much easier to go into. However, chemo 7 means that I am only one away from being done with chemo (hopefully forever!)!

At chemo 7, I realized I had come full circle. There was a lady there who was getting her first red devil treatment. She will be doing the same treatment I had. It was nice to be able to pass on tips and information and support just like someone did for me during my first treatment.


I met with the radiation oncologist this week. After I'm done with chemo and my scans, I will start radiation (most likely the first week of December). I will be doing 6 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week. Brinna was a little shining star in that office and so the nurses oohed and ahhed over her and gave her a balloon.


My final chemo is tomorrow!!!!