hard things of today

Many things 

in my life

are wonderful 

and enjoyable 

and bring me all sorts of happiness, love and joy.

But

there's also 

the hard stuff.

I just need to take a minute 

to acknowledge 

the hard stuff of today.

Of course, there are the giant messes 

that appear 

and reappear 

in every area of the house.

But we also have some challenges stemming from 

autism

and a microdeletion on chromosome 15Q11.2 

Like, the boogers smeared on the wall 

in the time-out corner.

And then there are P's tantrums 

that are downright

scary 

sometimes 

and I live on edge 

because I never know 

when they will happen.

If they happen in the car, 

he may unbuckle and hit everyone,

throw whatever he can, including his booster seat,

and scream.

Eric and I divide and conquer 

wherever we go, 

usually because P can only last so long 

in a public or group activity. 

During church, P can be doing great 

with snacks and activities one minute, 

but then the next 

he has thrown his chewy 

and is trying to dump the crackers and throw the toys 

and so we carry him out 

all out of sorts 

until he can calm down.

P got written up on the bus 

and is refusing to work and tantruming at school now.

97% of our family mealtimes and prayers 

carry on 

while P is screaming.

It is hard to train one young child 

to do or not do something 

when another young child 

is not doing/doing it.

P is saying bad words 

and telling people to die and that he will cut them. 

When we tell him to stop 

he thinks it's funny and does it more. 

When we try to ignore it, 

he keeps saying it anyways.

We still spoon feed Perry and help him dress, etc. 

It's more of a focusing 

and motivation 

issue than an incapability.

I constantly have to 

herd 

Perry by blocking his path and using my body 

to guide him where he needs to go.

P can sometimes follow directions, 

but again it's a motivation/focus thing 

so it's a happy surprise when he does what we ask.

It is quite difficult 

to hold a conversation and 

to get/keep his attention.

We worry

about his developmental delays and

are we doing enough to help and support?

We also have a 3 year old 

who is testing limits, 

not telling the truth about anything, 

calling everyone names, and copying the example of her brother 

by throwing and hitting everyone when she is mad.

And my older boys have their things, too. 

E and I sometimes feel guilt that 

we don't get to give them as much time and attention 

as we would like to. 

That basically sums up the really hard things of today.

Like I said, 

there are so many 

good things of today, too 

all mixed up 

with those hard things.

The crazy and overwhelming parts of my life 

sure do help me 

to appreciate the good in my life. 

They also teach me,

keep me humble 

and on my toes. 

I know that one day

I will read this and laugh a lot or 

barely remember what these days are like.

I'll probably just delete this in the near future

because maybe I shouldn't write all these things about our little guy,

but maybe when we open up 

we learn 

we are not alone

and we will be ok

and the hard things will be ok and work out, too.

We are slowly figuring out 

what works and 

what doesn't. 

We feel strengthened 

by the Lord and 

we have received 

inspiration and 

His help along the way. 

The hard things of today are still hard,

but I know we will make it through

and be just fine, and probably be even better for it.