I Chose

I took L and D to the park this morning.
L had oatmeal in her hair from breakfast
and D was still in the same clothes he slept in.
The nice grandma at the park with her granddaughter,
after chatting for a bit,
said to me
"Oh sweetie, but you got them to the park."
Yes. Yes, I did.
And I got two boys off for cub scout day camp.
My heart was sad this morning to know that they will be gone all day.

It's almost been a year since D and L came to stay.
One exhausting year
that I wouldn't trade for anything.
I have never been this drained
physically and emotionally
from all the demands
of meeting the basic needs
while addressing the special needs
and balancing visits and court hearings
questions and therapies.
for everyone.
all four.
So many days I feel like I could burst.
I often feel like The Mitten in Jan Brett's beautiful children's book.
The rabbit, hedgehog, owl, and even the bear may fit inside,
but if that mouse comes along . . .

Which has led me to my journey.
While I have always wanted to be a mom,
this last year has been a time of much reflection on motherhood.
My decision to be a mother has required effort,
so much effort,
both to make it happen
and to continue each day.

If a needy man on the street robbed you
of $200 in cash,
how would you feel?
Upset. Violated. Angry. Revengeful.

If you saw a needy man on the street
and gave him $200 in cash,
how would you feel?
Good. Proud. Grateful. Sacrificial. Humble. Loving.
Warm and happy.

What's the difference?
In both cases,
he gained $200
and you
were left without $200.*
It's the choosing.


Well,
I choose motherhood.
I have been on a journey with my daily reflections, observing wonderful women around me, and reading articles, books, and blog posts of inspiring women
and this journey
has helped me to grow and to know
without a doubt
that I choose motherhood.
And I know why.

I choose motherhood because I believe it's the most wonderful thing in the world. Your best memories and deepest joys come from your family.

I choose motherhood because nothing trains us better to become like Christ than motherhood. It brings us closer to our Heavenly home.

I choose motherhood because I can influence individuals, children of God. And these individuals influence me.

I choose motherhood because even when days and moments are really difficult the Lord is our partner, and while I don't know everything, He does. Others are placed in our path to help us along (and for me I am blessed with one amazing husband by my side through it all!).

I choose motherhood not because I am "good" at it or qualified, but because I have the desire to be a mother and the willingness to work at it.

I choose motherhood to fill my heart.


Pictures from a picnic at Flowing Lake a few months ago . . .

*(antidote taken from Choosing Motherhood compiled by Lia Collings , 2013)